AUDIO
 |
Archbishop Peter Jensen's Christmas Message 2011 on the centrality of Jesus to human history
|
A few weeks ago I wrote a short blog asking how we can better support single women in church, especially those over the age of 30. I was deluged with responses, and it became clear to me that we are not doing a good job in this area. I’ve decided to share just a few of these comments, to help everyone understand the special burdens these women carry, and to encourage us to think about how we can better meet their needs.
Feeling alienated at church was a common experience -
“I used to wonder why a lot of the single women disappeared from church once they reached their mid 30s. I am now at the age where I understand why. I often feel like the freak no one wants to talk to at church…”
“I don’t think there is a conspiracy against singles. I think people just don't think about them, which makes them feel invisible or unwanted because they are in the minority.”
“I don't want to be left standing all by myself after church or have people walk away from me when I try and start a conversation with them.”
Another theme was social isolation -
“It is so painfully lonely not fitting in and feeling socially worthless, particularly when you hear about all the social gatherings that go on, none of which you ever receive an invitation to. It is awful.”
“It is really hard to continue going to church when every week you know you will be left out after the meeting. It is painful watching friends greet each other and give out invites and be all happy and together.”
“I am looking for a little bit of love from my Christian community, but instead I feel like a leper… I never get invited anywhere.”
“People think that you must be busy Friday and Saturday nights, and the reality is, that you’re sitting at home in front of the TV…”
“I have not met any single person in their 30s who is not really hurting… Get to your mid 30s, when all your friends are married, the reality is that while your married friends' social network is rapidly expanding, the single persons' network is rapidly diminishing.”
One woman shared the devastating effect prolonged singleness had on her self-esteem -
“Let’s approach an issue here that hasn’t been raised, which I think makes single people very sensitive and escalates things our problems - our lack of self esteem. [It is] the knowledge that no one thinks I am truly awesome enough to marry. No one finds me sexy. No one wants my love. No one one wants to know everything about me. No one wants to share their deepest needs with me. No one is there to hug late at night when I’m hurting. No one is there to help me out when I need it. No one is there to share the pain of being childless. No one to express my sexuality with, and believe me, I am about to explode from sexual desire.”
This is only a brief selection from well over 100 comments. There is much, much more, so please read the whole thing. Then please think about practical ways you can help these hurting women.
Further Reading
Single Women (my original blog post)
Radical Womanhood (The blog of Carolyn McCulley, single woman guru)
Girl Talk (they’ve recently done a blog series on single women)
Partly it could be because they don't have the biological clock. Partly it could be because single women start to outnumber single men by the mid-30s, and the gap just grows wider from that point on. Partly it could be because they tend to date and marry younger, increasing options again. Partly it could be that they find affirmation in other things at this stage of life.
Its hard for single women even to run Bible studies in many churches which are either 'couples' or 'young mums' groups etc.
I guess it shows the North American-ness in me; men and women tend to mingle socially a little more freely in the US and Canada.
In any case, it's a little harder to talk to women at church sometimes--particularly if they have children. Their attention is always half on their kids (again, a good thing; not a criticism, just an observation). Also, mothers (for very good reason) are sometimes caught up in the whole world of motherhood and children, it can be hard to find points of commonality for single women to talk about with them. One really does not want to discuss babies and nappies for any longer than an hour.
(Sorry, the number of qualifications I'm making in my comments is getting excessive. I think I'll cease rambling now ...)
Karen, heaps of women have brought this up, so it's a clearly an issue. Seems that we've become a bit too paranoid with regards to mixing with the opposite sex. Time to loosen up a little...
I decided a while ago that tho I felt lonely, I actually wasn't. And it was up to me to go and talk to people who most likely were feeling as lonely as me.
I have the privilege of having a couple of families where I am part of the family, and where I can have conversations with men, about a variety of issues. I never attend a single sex growth group, because I like the male point of view.
If I have a problem, I can't make anyone else change. If nothing changes, nothing will change.
1) Avoid porn! (Surely there's got to be other besetting sins that Christian men in Sydney are prone to!) and
2) Be a godly leader of your family! (The fact that some Christian men might not be the leaders of a family has apparently never crossed the speakers of these events.)
"To fail to reach out to single adults is to 'turn our back on' 50.4% of the Australian population…You can turn your church into a club that pacifies and meets the needs of the few, or you can decide to make a difference and live out the Great Commandment and the Great Commission to the Mission Field of Single and Single Again Adults too!"
"I HAVE A VISION...MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF SINGLE AND SINGLE AGAIN ADULTS… MOBILISED AND MAKING A KINGDOM DIFFERENCE!"
Also, if you're quoting from somewhere (your use of inverted commas) it would be better to provide a link. This is intended to be a place for discussion and fairly obvious attempts to circumvent the character limit are going to clog the conversation rather than aid it.
- Editor
1. Identify, network amongst Christian Singles Ministries...Once you feel comfortable make one of them your primary place of socialising and becoming involved!
2.As you develop relationships, you will find out about other Singles Ministries-visit them!
3. Exchange name and phone numbers with people you feel connected-other invites, phone calls, and often deep personal friendships will result, increasing confidence, self-esteem, and walk with God!
4. Attend Singles for Christ "Making A Difference" October 2-5 3 night long weekend Singles Happening/Conference at Waterslea Centre Nowra...Many have found our previous 12 Conferences, a Turning Point or Life Changing! Posters and Brochures sent out recently to every Anglican NSW/ACT Parish.
5. Get involved or continue your involvement in your local Parish using your Purpose, Passion and Giftings-speak to your Minister or Church Leader.
6. Invest some time and money in yourself with some counselling-you deserve it!
It may help you with direction, an action plan and moving forward with some options!
7. Singles for Christ is happy to help Parishes commence a Ministry to Singles.
Phone us on (02) 9631 3414 weekdays 9am-9pm.
Singles we would be happy to send you a brochure or complimentary first newsletter!
1. you are advertising your group on this "no advertising allowed" forum and
2. You believe that a person can't be single (successfully)unless involved in a Singles Group, and every single needs counselling or that every Parish needs a Singles Ministry
Apart from that, a couple of the practical suggestions - esp. No. 3 was helpful and apt.
First,nowhere in my posts have I said or inferred that every single needs counselling-I simply suggested counselling as an option for those going through the stage of life referred to by Craig in the article...
Second, nowhere in any of my posts related to this discussion or anywhere else, have I said or inferred that I believe to quote you:
"...that a person can't be single (successfully) unless involved in a Singles Group,..."
I made some practical suggestions for Christian Singles to move positively forward and consider seeking out some Christian Singles Ministries.
3. Third, nowhere in any of my posts related to this discussion or elsehwere, have I said or inferred that what you said: "...every Parish needs a Singles Ministry," because I haven't said it, and part of our vision for reaching out to single and single again men, women and their children; does not have this as part of our strategy and vision!
So, I don't know where you come up with these thoughts...
My post is divided into two areas:
what others in the church community can do to help us feel less isolated and lonely
what we, the singles, can do
Others:
First of all, don't label us as single. We are your brothers and sisters in Christ. We aren't faulty, dysfunctional, or undesirable, any more than anyone else is in our church family, just because we happen to be single.
Please don't ask if we're seeing anyone. We aren't. Otherwise we would tell you. Or we would tell you when we're comfortable about it.
Please don't assume that we are raging party animals that would be busy. Invite us places, invite us on holidays. We are often at home on Friday and Saturday nights by ourselves.
Please don't bore us with tales of poop. And nappies. And breastfeeding. We will ask if we're interested. I know it's all consuming for you, but for us, it's either boring, or it's painful, particularly if we desperately want children.
Please don't assume that because we're female we don't have sexual desires. We do. We just try to avoid thinking about it (see below).
Please don't assume we have chosen to be single. Many of us have just not had the opportunity to get married. It doesn't mean we have chosen singleness, it has chosen us.
Sometimes we want to come over to dinner to be with you, rather than you and the other people you've invited to “make up numbersâ€.
Please invite us on holidays, if possible. One of the nicest things my married friends D & L ever did was invite me to be part of a holiday with them and some other people. It was a fantastic holiday.
Please remember that, even if you think women shouldn't be leaders of mixed groups, some of us have to be. When we have great managerial gifts, and need to earn our own income to save for our own house, and we are managers, then yes, we have to lead people. I have a friend (a very godly Christian friend) who thinks that women shouldn't be leaders. Maybe, maybe not. But it's a fallen world, and those of us who can't earn an independent income any other way might have to be managers.
Please, include us in your life. My morning church is very good at this. I'm invited over to lunch, to the pool party, to the afternoon tea. We want to be with you – just because we're single doesn't necessarily mean that we don't want to hang out with you and your family
Please ask us to babysit. We want to help. We often have the time. Sometimes we really enjoy it. I have certainly enjoyed hanging out with my friends' kids with just me and them.
Please don't assume that we want to be with your husband. We mostly don't. Occasionally, we do. But it's also up to us and them to be aware of those situations – I've only ever met a few men that I would want to date, if they weren't already married. But they are. So I just try to avoid them, except when they're with their wives.
Don't sit in church rubbing each other's backs in front of me. It's icky. And it reminds me there's no one to rub my back. Be sensitive with your displays of affection. Perhaps you don't have to sit together in every service. Perhaps!
People of the same sex as singles – please hug them. We don't get hugged very often.
Please be sensitive of the “Congratulations†announcements. Yes, it's great the couple x and y are engaged. Or yes, it's wonderful that couple a and b have had their child. But things like this are hard for us, who aren't engaged. Who don't have a child. Be sensitive please.
Express your loneliness to others. Ask them to include you in things. Be willing to help out with the babysitting, and reap the benefits of the relationships.
Don't sit there (too often!!) complaining about being single. I had a friend who for years complained about being single. Then she found a guy and got married. Now she complains about being married. Be content. Or try to be.
Acknowledge the grief and the feelings of low self-esteem because you haven't felt or been wanted. Acknowledge it, and then accept it. Try to move on. I know, I know. It's hard. I have to do it too. But this is a fallen world. And we, to use a cliché, all have a cross to bear.
Acknowledge that you are not your relationship status. You are a person, beloved by Christ, befriended by brothers and sisters in Christ. You are more than a single person. You are a person, who happens to be single.
Use the singleness for good, not evil. You may have more time to help out at church and community things. So do it. If you don't, because of your job, other commitments, or whatever, don't feel guilty. Just do what you can. You are the best determiner of that.
Embrace different opportunities to get to know people. At my new job, I've joined the Weight Watchers group, the staff choir, the staff bible study, the student music group, the student diving club. You can make friends with all ages and circumstances. Work out what you're interested in, and get out there.
Like any Christian should do, examine yourself. Repent of your sins. Work on your flaws. Seek to live out a godly life.
Consider other forms of companions. I love my animals. They are company for me. So what! I like them.
Embrace invites enthusiastically. Even if you aren't sure that you'll really like the movie, go anyway, because it's a new experience. Don't sit with your head in the sand not doing anything pro-active. I recently saw “Watchmen†because I was invited. It was, well, interesting. But it was something different. And it meant I had something on on Friday night.
Be careful watching Romantic Comedies. I'm not saying don't watch them, I'm just saying be careful. Watch them with your heart and mind wide open. Acknowledge that they are not real life, and that having a special someone is not all life is, and should be.
Get to know married people. Acknowledge that it isn't a bed of roses being married. It's not greener, it's different.
Have some nice stuff too. When I turned 30, I asked people to give me nice things. I'd been to their weddings, and bought nice things for them. So I asked. And they did. And now I have nice things too.
I don't think I see any attitude except the fruit of the spirt in any of the comments, really, if they are taken as a whole, and not out of context.
All of the posters (it seems to me, anyway),to be seeking the fruit of the spirit in the outworking of their lives. This topic is helping to answer a question about how the church can best be helpful for those who are over 30 (male and female) and single. Nothing to do with not having the fruit of the Sprit. that is an issue everyone faces when faced with lifes challenges.
Gill.
It comes from us not loving our neighbour as ourselves, coming from a lack of compassion, lack of kindness, lack of caring, etc. This is the attitude i am referring to.
An attitude that needs to be rectified. We need to ensure that we are inclusive in all our conversations. Why? To show that you care for the person. We need to ensure that activities are inclusive. Why? To show that we love the person. Etc...
Also i agree with Georgina... is not jealousy a fruit of sin? Let single women socialise with brothers and sisters... as long as temptation is not overwhelming.
Programs work to a degree... but the underlying cause is a lack of spirit amongst members of our churches (myself included). I would rather speak with someone i know... than trying to get to know that newcomer...sometimes i repent... sometimes i don't...
I apologise if my comments were not clear that they were directed at ourselves in these churches that the 30+ single woman feel alienated at.