AUDIO
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Archbishop Peter Jensen's Christmas Message 2011 on the centrality of Jesus to human history
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In response to my last post on pornography addiction, I received this story of pain and redemption from a Christian man in Sydney. For the sake of his family he has asked to remain anonymous, but his story is endorsed by a member of a Sydney Anglican church. He asked if I could share his testimony as a witness and help for others. I found it a moving account of his long term struggle: only as he really grasped God’s for him and came clean about his sin, did he manage to break the cycle. Much of that was mediated through the firm and loving response of a wise clergyman. Maybe you can help someone caught in the grip of pornography addiction in the same way.
“It's taken 25 years for me to make a break from porn addiction.
The breakthrough wasn't a matter of counselling, repenting, technology, accountability or trying harder. It was theological. It was coming to believe that God actually loves me. And, oddly enough, God decided that it would happen outside of church.
Like a lot of blokes, the problem started in my teens. Just at the time I was most uncertain about myself, I found porn: from school mates, neighbours and, painfully, from my Dad's Playboys. Porn became a sure refuge of acceptance when I was ridiculed at school. The images became certainty of my value. I became a man before them, when I was most unsure of my masculinity before my parents and my mates.
Around the same time, I became a Christian, through some holiday camps. I was thrilled to hear that God truly forgave all my sins in Christ. I wanted to live for Him. I became a passionate evangelist. At university, I developed a headstrong faith. I took pleasure showing the intellectual superiority of the faith. I loved running youth groups and camps.
But every few months, I'd turn to porn. Then I'd beat myself up. Hate myself. Repent. Pray. Weep. Beg God for release. Sometimes I'd tell a good friend - though it was always enormously awkward. And no one really ever wanted to hear about it. Sometimes, these periods of repentance and abstinence would last for up to a year. Then, some crisis would lead me to questioning my worth, my manhood, and I'd rush to porn again.
When I married my beautiful wife, I assumed I'd find the sexual satisfaction I'd craved all my life. But no woman can deliver that kind of validation. My sexual hunger outstripped anything any marriage could deliver and it crippled her confidence. Horribly, as our marriage was put into crisis, the internet, with its cornucopia of porn, opened up.
Internet porn became the perfect sin. It was private. It let me be anonymous. I could go there and (I thought) not hurt anybody. It was instant and I could apply the emotional salve to my heart at any time. As my career took off - and the pressure intensified - it became the sure place I could find encouragement.
But porn bought my family a firestorm of hurt. My wife of course discovered me eventually. If her confidence was low before it was obliterated now. Then that gutted me with shame. I faced a God who, I was sure, was angrier than He ever was with Saul or Judas. After a few cycles of this I developed, unsurprisingly, full clinical depression. Medication helped a bit. Counselling somewhat. I got back to being even keeled. But our marriage didn't. Sex was joyless. Church was done dutifully. We went to Pentecostal counsellors, did high-church ceremonies, long programs of cognitive behavioural therapy. I'd be good for six months. I'd share my issue with a wider circle of friends. I'd set up accountability software. Then I'd have a crisis and find a way around everything I'd set up.
I lived in these chains until two locks began to open.
The first was when an older minister I'd known for years took an interest. He was somehow much more brutal and much more tender with me. He demanded the whole truth. Gory details and he didn't flinch. I don't actually remember him saying "I love you" but I knew that he did. And he loved my wife. And he loved our marriage. He got both of us talking about our sin and our failure. Suddenly both of us could start talking like redeemed people. Not good people, not bad people, but redeemed people.
But there was another failure to come. A period of stress. A desperation for love and approval. A heavy season of porn and failure. I made up my mind that if my wife asked me how I was doing with porn, I would lie.
Then that moment came. And I couldn't lie. I'd discovered that, even though it's painful, it's sweeter to tell the truth.
That was when the second lock began to turn. We opened up to friends about the struggles in our marriage and one of them suggested we looked at 12-step recovery groups. I joined one called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. My first meeting was revolting. I looked at the pathetic porn users and prostitute customers and despised them for their weakness and the lives they'd damaged. Slowly I accepted that I was just like them. I began telling the truth about me. I got a sponsor and started the most intensive period of truth telling I've ever gone through. And through all that, they encouraged me to admit that I am powerless before God. (What they call "your higher power", but whom I knew to be my heavenly Father.)
As all my skin came off, and the cancer of my addiction was laid bare, I was ready for the judgment. Almost wanted it. I was exposing myself to God now, actually desiring to be confronted by him. So I began reading the Scripture with a hunger I don't think I've ever had. This is where the Bible shocked me. God was like the old preacher we'd met. In story after story, I kept seeing that the God of the Bible wanted to know me, with my sin, and wanted to spare me from judgment. He wanted to have a forgiven son come home.
Looking back, I wonder whether I'd understood the Christian gospel. I just don't know if I really believed that God loves me. If I had, I just don't think I would have run back to porn again and again. But now I think He does. Groups like SLAA, and the Christian addicts support group Overcomers Outreach have really helped. It's only been able to happen once I started telling the truth before people who actually know me. The whole truth. That's when the light started coming into the room.”
In the words of the old hymn:
“Long my imprisoned spirit lay,
Fast bound in sin and nature’s night;
Thine eye diffused a quickening ray—
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.”
Photo credit: Know Malta/Peter Grima
I am grateful for you in posting this and for him in drawing it to my attention.
Reading his full testimony above has got me thinking that although the significant pastoral conversations for my friend came with Christians and it's clear that the word of God has had a massive impact on his life particularly recently, the program that was really helpful to him that he regularly attends is an entirely secular one.
I am wondering if others have positive stories about groups like the secular SLAA (Sex Love Addicts Anonymous) or what other Christian programs have been helpful?
I'm thinking about how to help another friend who's 20 year marriage is hanging by a thread at the moment over similar issues and how to refer him to help.
I'd like our church to run something that would be useful. My mate says (in his post above and in private conversations) absolutely key is the open conversations where there is a real frank admission of brokenness.
We have seen this admission happen to some extent in the Divorce Care courses we have run.
But where is this happening well to help those dealing with sexual brokenness and porn in a Christian context? Perhaps others could share?
In the midst of many other things that are happening in our world, this is one of the most important social issues that we face today. I'm very glad that Nicky is drawing attention to this issue.
One of the problems with modern living, which first started in about 1980, is that many of us are living our lives largely isolated from other people. Community has been severely eroded in our society which places economic priorities ahead of people's needs which is to say that corporations care more about making a profit than they do about the people who work for them. As a result, the emotional needs of many people have not been met. Irrespective of whether that is through fault of their own or through no fault of their own, they are left extremely vulnerable to internet pornography.
We need to build a just society which is based on the foundational principle that the work we do should gravitate around meeting the needs of our fellow human beings, rather than just being a means to make money in what has become a chaotic competition for survival.
This is one cause which actually, truly is "for the children".
Therefore , the strategy for combatting internet pornography is two-fold in order of priority:
1. Resisting pornography with internet filters, accountability software and other means such as obedience to God and a desire to spend one's time on other wholesome activities such as socialising with real human beings as opposed to electronic depictions of them.
2. Creating this second internet in order to prevent more people from becoming damaged by or addicted to internet pornography in the future.
I am wondering if we are good at treating sin, in that the BIble teaches us how to treat sin. But (I for one) am not so good at treating/dealing with addiction.
Comments...
Blocking all pornography from one's computer can be achieved by installing the Covenant Eyes filter AND then also installing the X3Watch Pro filter in addition.
The Covenant Eyes filter should be configured to block all inappropriate websites and all image and video search capabilities of all search engines. All Google websites globally (for all country extensions) should be blocked so that Google is no longer used for anything. Christians need to understand that Google is not our friend in any way, shape or form. Google has played an extremely powerful role in increasing the profile of pornography on the internet.
The purpose of installing the X3Watch Pro filter after installing the Covenant Eyes filter is to block websites such as proxy websites that the Covenant Eyes filter fails to block.
Both filters should be assigned complicated passwords of 5 letters alternating with 5 numbers which are then destroyed and are impossible to remember. Therefore, to make changes to the filters, one needs to ring up customer support to retrieve the passwords. The security questions for the passwords should be set to, "What is your password?", with these complicated passwords set as the answers so that the passwords cannot be retrieved using the security questions for the passwords which appear online under the links, "Have you forgotten your password?"
Continued...
It is undeniable that there are deep issues that predispose people to the sinful addiction to internet pornography and that overcoming this sinful addiction is not only about blocking it from one’s computer. However, I do not believe that any person will overcome their addiction to internet pornography without using filters to block it from their computers. They will return to it time after time after time. Blocking it out is an important step that shows evidence of the person’s will to resist internet pornography and overcome the addiction. It gives the person a sense of self-respect and shows them that they are not helpless but can rather go toe to toe with internet pornography and banish it from their computer. Obviously, it breaks the cycle of the addiction.
It is also necessary to confess this sin to somebody, in part to provide the incentive to resist internet pornography. This is where the Covenant Eyes accountability software comes in, in addition to all of the above.
What a tangled mess our hapless legislators around the world have created by allowing pornographic material to be hosted on the internet that is used in homes, businesses, schools, tertiary institutions, church organisations, et cetera.
1. Accountability software - definitely
2. Accountability partner who will be demanding, accepting, loving and prayerful.
3. A 12 step group.
4. Often specialist counselling to uncover deal with deal with deeper issues.
5. A small supportive group for the addict and the partner of the addict.
6. Trusting that the addict will make their repentance to God (and apologies/restitution to others) at the right time for them - which may be multiple times.
7. Accepting the journey is often a long one with a number of slip ups.
Additionally there were some really helpful comments made about being pastoral to people with a range of problems during the last two days at the "theology of emotions" conference at Moore - recordings are online.
Then of course if you want some more pastoral counselling skills you could always do a St Marks Cert IV in counselling skills - Sydney venues are Pymble, Caringbah, Corrimal and Mary Andrews College in 2012! www.stmarksrto.org.au.
@Andrew#8 - we need to be careful when we name companies and what they supposedly do/don't do. We can be left open to law suits if we are not careful.
I must thank you all though, Mens Ministry is close ever to my heart and hearing people talk about options regarding such an insidious sin has my heart leaping for joy. We do not talk about this enough in Christian circles, for what reasons I cannot tell.
God bless all and thank you Nicky for writing about it.
can you provide proof? i would be very interested to see where your information is coming from. I am not a Google supporter but I have not seen where your facts come from or evidence to support it.
Plus - why do I need to be careful? What did I say?
Overcomers Outreach address is www.overcomersoutreach.net.
SLAA is at www.slaa.org.au
Re the female counsellor thing - the most important thing when referring is that the counsellor understands pornography addiction and works with the problem. Currently about 20% of my clients are males dealing with pornography issues, and many of them say they would find it hard talking to a male - so I guess it is both a question of expertise and client preference. Once they realise that I am fairly unshockable - not that we focus much on the actual content of what they view most of the time - and am quite comfortable talking about pornography, they find it easier. Though no one really finds it easy to talk about using pornography. It also helps that i am an older woman - not some gorgeous young thing! With the professional boundaries that we are able to set, counsellors are both trained, and expect, to work across the gender divide.
You could start with running an information night - I have run a few such nights with the encouragement that ALL should attend and get informed. The presence of pornography is so pervasive that we should all be informed about it, not just those who have a problem. I think there are a couple of other Christian counsellors in Sydney who will run such nights as well too.
Or see if "Roundabout Ministries" is in a position to run such a night. They are Melbourne based and have recently gone through a restructure, but may be able to help with info.