AUDIO
 |
Archbishop Peter Jensen's Christmas Message 2011 on the centrality of Jesus to human history
|
Sadly I work with couples from time to time who decide that the only way forward for them is to separate permanently, usually divorcing at some time in the future. One can only grieve over the brokenness of this world that manifests in such situations. Often once the decision to separate is made, couples believe that there is no further point to attending counselling: counselling was sought to save the marriage and that goal has not been achieved. However I strongly encourage couples to continue with their counselling at that point to ensure that they separate as well as they can, particularly for the sake of the children. Children are truly the innocent victims of marriage breakdown – research shows that living in an intact marriage is generally the healthiest place for children to be raised, unless the marital conflict is violent and frequent.
Apart from creating a stable, predictable environment where the parents treat each other with respect and keep children “out of the middle” of the separated parents, one important area for consideration is what and when to tell the children.
Numerous parents I have worked with baulk at being the one to tell the children about what is happening. The “leaving” parent may have already left the marital home and leaves the task to the parent who is left behind caring for the children on a daily basis. Or the one left behind feels that since they were not the one to instigate the marital separation that they should not be the one who has to break the sad news: it is the other person’s fault so they should be the one who deals with the children’s distress and in some way is seen to carry the blame in being the parent who tells. None of this jockeying helps the children.
Children need clear, age appropriate information given at the right time. Ideally both parents will tell the children together an agreed statement that explains the situation in truthful ways that does not place the blame on either parent. Some parents will explain something like “Sometimes Mummies and Daddies stop loving each other and decide they can’t live together any longer. This doesn’t mean they would ever stop loving you (the child)”. Not giving this information soon enough leaves children in a place of confusion: younger children at the ego-centric stage of development can believe that they are responsible for the problems in the marriage, or develop underlying anxiety problems due to their inability to make sense of the situation.
This can be partially mitigated through good communication:
-- Tell children about separation and divorce together if possible
-- Children need information and reassurance about how they will be affected by changes
-- Children need reassurance that they are not to blame for divorce
-- Questions should be answered honestly while avoiding unnecessary details
-- Discussions are in terms that children understand
-- Avoiding terms such as ‘custody’ and ‘access’: instead talking about ‘living with’
-- Encouraging children to talk about the impact of the divorce and their feelings as a result.
This is not the time to attempt to protect the children by NOT telling them what is happening: they will sense the underlying disturbances and pick up more than most parents realise. In the midst of their own pain and confusion, parents need to be brave enough to tell children the truth, sensitively and with wisdom.
This is indeed a heavy responsibility when making the decision to end a marriage: seeking support and praying for wisdom at this time may help.
It doesn’t stop at the point of separation either. The kids will have questions later on. "When will Daddy come back to live with us?" Events will happen that they will be wondering about. “How will we celebrate Christmas this year?”
In answering these questions the parent stays focused on the child; the anxieties, the doubts, the fears, and doesn’t try to make the child part of the dispute between the parents.
What I know about divorce
Sadly her article on Caring for Divorcees seems once again to be lost in the archives of Sydneyanglican.net. It used to be at http://sydneyanglicans.net/archive/indepth/caring_for_divorcees/ but this seems broken.
Nicky: I did not mean to come across as judgmental, as if somehow I know all. However, having always known the man and woman as husband and wife, it is impossible to "un-know" them. It is very hard and yet I do not want to cut either of them out of my life, albeit to the degree I see either of them, I see him more than her, because of a previous history in the armed forces.
@ Robert - yes I did hear that you are doing your best not to be judgemental - but you are struggling about how to think about them. I think it will just be hard and awkward as everyone goes through the grieving of the relationships that were - and can never be again.It will get easier with time.
Get to know a situation and don’t assume anything. In complex situations like divorce, every story is different. Some leave; others are left. Some physically separate from their partner because they want to put boundaries around unacceptable and injurious behaviour and constructively rebuild the relationship; others separate in order to finish the marriage. Some agree on where responsibility lies for the major issues between them; others disagree. Some take responsibility for their end of the relationship; others, bitterly blame their partner. Some choose to divorce; others have no choice. Some have harmonious settlements; others protracted court battles. Some have experienced physical, verbal or emotional abuse, sexual infidelity or major deceit within the relationship; others have not. Some people forgive too quickly, excusing behaviour and not allowing themselves to acknowledge the injuries they have suffered; other people struggle for years with bitterness, anger and a desire for revenge. Some reject Christ; others run to Christ for comfort and strength.
2. Stay relationally connected. Make an effort to stay connected, even when the two parties in the marriage break-up need a lot of space. Whilst close friends often provide most support, comfortable social connections with people in the broader Christian community are vital for maintaining a sense of belonging to the church. Some people find that hanging out with ‘happy
Listen well and respond to immediate need. The healing process is not something you can plan or structure. Issues surface and demand attention at different points in time. Today may be a time for feeling anger about injuries received, and to forgive; tomorrow, a time to face your own failings. Immediately after separation, people often need to give attention to practical needs, such as housing, rather than relational issues. It is often most helpful to listen in a matter- of-fact way, to hear what it is like for the person, and respond to the immediate issue at hand.
4.Offer alternative perspectives respectfully. Recognise that you may not know the whole story or fully understand the relational dynamics between the two parties, even if you are close to the persons involved. Offering insights or an alternative perspective about the situation is best done with respect and in the context of long-term support
Nicky: thank you for that -- I especially liked the line about "grieving" over the relationship's breakdown. That is exactly right and it also includes the friends who did not see it coming or really understand it.
I was troubled - in a good way - by Cath's comment about helping to craft the divorced couple's "public story". I am not sure how to do this without entering into the rights and wrongs of the split. Unless I am misunderstanding this, which I may well be.