AUDIO
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Archbishop Peter Jensen's Christmas Message 2011 on the centrality of Jesus to human history
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A friend of mine was completely perplexed. He was trying so hard to be the loving husband, putting in place a strategy he had learnt through some Christian "self help" literature.
The advice, written by a woman, was about how men should respond to their wives in the midst of a fairly heated argument. Men were advised that a fairly typical male response of "going to their cave" when things were getting "hot", would leave their partners feeling crushed, unloved and abandoned. So, before "leaving for the cave", he should lovingly say to his wife "I know you're really upset now, so am I. I really love you and care for you and will come back and talk about this later."
Some days later he tried this in the midst of one of their arguments. Was his wife soothed by this remark? Not at all! A passionate woman, her retort was "How dare you make assumptions about how I'm feeling right now. You have absolutely no way of knowing what I am feeling and I'm really angry that you presume to think you do!" The argument then turned away from the original point, and was focused on her incensed response to him and him defending his actions. He left the room before it got even more heated!
What had gone wrong? Was it poor advice or not?
Probably not. But the working out of applying what seemed like a reasonable strategy highlights what complicated beings we humans are and how difficult it is to be dogmatic about the "10 steps to achieving success in ...anything" in the area of human relationships.
We catch glimpses of that in the variety of ways that Jesus responds to different people in what at first glance look like the same situation - a healing might involve physical touch or a call to repentance. It appears that Jesus could see what was in people's hearts and allowed that knowledge to shape the way he dealt with them - no one size fits all reaction from him.
So for us, when taking on board good ideas about how to be in relationship, we need to practice the skill of empathy, attempting to see the world through the other person's eyes, to feel it through their heart, before we apply any tips from others about the best way to do things.
We strive to get to know our partners and remember what their sensitivities are and take that into account when in conversation with them. This is an ongoing process as we and our partners will change over time and we cannot assume that what was right for them 5 years ago is still right for them today.
Every now and again I hear the exasperated response from my long standing husband "Well you've really surprised me today by... You've never done/wanted that before!"
And as I write, I am wondering how many male readers will be going "you see - women really are IMPOSSIBLE to understand!". What are your experiences?
Secondly, I think husband and wife need to keep going back to the Biblical pattern of husband and wife relating together - hopefully we know the Biblical passages.
A couple more: Mark 1:15, noting the use of the present tense remains true for marriages as well the various sayings in Proverbs, e.g. 14:29, 15:1 and of course Eph 4:26.
It might be hard to remember texts like these in the heat of the moment, but unless married couples, as husbands and wives, have meditated upon them and seek God's forgiveness and enabling, marriages will struggle.
For what it's worth my wife and I have been married 41 years (and we married young), the earliest years were the hardest, but when you get into your sixties you know it was worth it. Be encouraged, persevere!
It is helpful perhaps to keep in mind the broader context of an web posting. Nicky wrote a short piece making some observations and asking some open questions. I responded to them with a view to prompting other comments. I was not seeking marriage advice or advice on doctrine but seeking to stimulate a useful conversation with fellow Christians. Philip
Partner has quite a nice connotation in the context of marriage, but it can also mean "the person I'm currently sleeping with."
It is always a problem on forums knowing exactly what is in the back of a person's mind.
I was reacting against a trend I have observed amongst Christians, maybe younger ones, of using the language of the day reflecting those current patterns David McKay references. I think as Christians we need to push hard against the loss of language appropriate to the man woman relationship common amongst Christians and ultimately derived from the Bible and/or confessional statements.
My point about citing Bible texts was that I think the Bible more helpful than self-help literature. Not only that but both people in Nicky's story I suggest, in their calmer moments, need to grapple with the Bible's advice re relationships. I probably should have bitten my tongue (or pencil lead) and moved on to the next post without commenting.
This reminds me that I have a sermon tape from some years back at SYPC, in which the preacher uses the word "partner" to describe someone's wife, and it sounds lovely and full of meaning. So I think I'm with David McKay on this one, that it can be used well in the context of marriage.
But it is a word that I tend to avoid using of my own husband (except in the sense of business partner) because I think that the word has been debased.
@ Philip - I am interested in your extension of my comments to the need for our relationship with God to be an active, authentic dialogue. I can lose sight of the uniqueness of my personal relationship with Him if I get caught in legalism or in following the most recent exhortation from the preacher blindly and not prayerfully. Thanks for the stimulation to think this through more carefully (and prayerfully!)