One of the sad things that I encounter from time to time is couples who come for counselling when their marriage is in tatters and the damage seems irreparable. In the first session, it becomes apparent that the problems they are dealing with have been present for a very long time. I wonder to myself (and sometimes to the client) why they have taken so long to get help.

One of the reasons seems to be that people do not understand how counselling might help them; another being an unwillingness to admit that there are problems which they have had difficulty solving.

So what does happen with a professional counsellor and how does it differ from the pastoral care or counsel you might receive from your minister? In the St Marks Cert VI in Christian Counselling Course we take the definitions from Gary Collins in his book "Christian Counselling" that differentiate between these:

Pastoral care: "the churches' overall ministries of healing, sustaining, guiding and reconciling people to God and to one another".

Pastoral Counselling: "A variety of healing methods to help people deal with problems in ways that are consistent with Biblical teaching".

Pastoral Psychotherapy: "A long term, in depth helping process that attempts to bring fundamental changes in the counsellee's personality, spiritual values and ways of thinking. It..seeks to remove blocks, often from the past, that inhibit personal and spiritual growth".

These descriptions indicate the increasing depth of work that may need to done in someone's life in order to overcome their problems.

When exploring with a couple what help they are seeking from counselling, common themes usually emerge, such as better communication, ways of handling conflict, and difficulties with intimacy. However what makes each situation unique is not the area where work needs to be done, but discovering and working with what is hindering someone from behaving in the way they know they should!

Paul's lament, "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do"”this I keep on doing" (Romans 7: 18, 19) illustrates the dilemma that most couples bring to counselling. They already know how to behave as civilised human beings, but seem unable to do it. Uncovering personal wounding and sinful ways of responding to that wounding can be an important step in counselling.

Hence, counselling is not as simple as giving the client good advice. When we teach our new students at St Marks that they do not have to have the answers and tell the clients what to do, they are greatly relieved. Instead, their role is to:

"¢ Listen carefully and empathically to the client, bearing witness to the client's distress
"¢ Assist the client to determine their own goals for counselling
"¢ Carefully explore with them the history and understand the development of the problem
"¢ Collaboratively, develop new ways of achieving their desired outcomes
"¢ With deeper, longstanding situations, work with the personal and spiritual matters that are blocking them from moving forward.

The Christian counsellor brings to this process an integrated, holistic knowledge of personhood drawn from Biblical truths and common knowledge. He or she also brings their skills of understanding and empathy, their knowledge of helpful and unhelpful ways of tackling situations, and of likely contributors to difficulties in personal growth.

So do these processes help? Research shows that there are 4 contributing factors to effectiveness in counselling: 

"¢ External social and environmental factors account for 40% of change
"¢ The client / counsellor relationship accounts for 30%
"¢ The client's expectation about the counselling accounts for 15%
"¢ The specific theory or methodology accounts for 15%.

These figures would indicate that when a good attitude, outside influences for change, a counsellor who knows what they are doing, and with whom you have a good relationship, counselling helps. My plea is that you seek it sooner rather than later.