Just a Mum - Dean Phillip Jensen’s Mother’s Day Sermon May 2003
embargoed until 10.30 am
Ex 20:12
I am so glad to see you here this morning. Mothers are so important that it is really great to spend a morning looking at what God has to say to us about motherhood.
I want us to explore the implication of one great text of Bible, Exodus 20:12
12 “Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
Please note it’s not just “honour your father”. This would be understandable, even expected in patriarchal society. But the injunction is to “honour your father and your mother”.
Let me start with two personal notes. Firstly this is a difficult topic to talk upon honestly. Simple superficial platitudes are easy to give, but as soon as we talk honestly and say what Bible says, we tread on peoples sensitivities in an area where many of us have hurts, disappointments, frustrations, anger, and guilt. Some have recently lost their mothers. Some are struggling to become mothers. Some are still struggling to forgive their mothers.
This is a public address rather than a personal counselling session. It’s important to try and listen to and understand what the Bible says before reacting emotionally from your own life.
Secondly, as most of you do not know, let me tell you of my two mothers. I had an extraordinarily strong and loving mother who died of cancer thirty years ago. I had just married. I was still a student at Moore College.
My mother was deeply devoted to her three boys. She would do anything for us, including applying the dreaded red-slipper when needed.
After her death I had the great privilege of finding in my mother-in-law a second mother. She was a woman of great love and wisdom who was as a mother to me until her death five years ago.
So I speak today from the vantage point of a privileged man who experienced for fifty years the very best of motherly care and affection.
So where do we start?
1. Motherhood and Apple Pie
When it comes to conventional wisdom - it is impossible to speak against motherhood and apple pie. These are the givens of life with universal approval.
So let me tell you of two more mothers this time women I have never met but only read about. I have no idea if they are Christian or not
The first is Pat Roles. She and her husband Bryan had triplets - three sons: Cameron Vaughan and Nigel. In 1999, when the boys were 24, the Sydney Morning Herald recorded how Pat was still fighting for her son Nigel because he was blind and autistic and still needed special care.
The reason for the article was the celebration for the other 2 sons Cameron and Vaughan graduating in Law from Macquarie Uni. There was cause for celebration indeed as they also were both blind.
Pat had fought to keep them in the mainstream of education. She fought for their rights in the system. She forced the system to adapt to cope with them and she saw them grow into fine young men. She said her dreams for her children were like everyone’s:
“…to have learning experiences that aren’t too traumatic, that they find partners in their lives and are basically happy. It would be Pollyanna to say that they are never going to have anything go wrong in their lives.”
Remember God’s command in the fifth commandment.
Exodus 20:12
12 “Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
Any woman who survives and raises triplets deserves a cheer. This woman deserves a permanent standing ovation. She is one whom it is easy to honour for what she has done has been done over 24 years as only a mother could or would do. This is not the work of a government agency or a social worker, good and proper as their work is, this is the commitment of a mother. She has showed a life of commitment and it is not over yet. Mothering is never over. Worry about your children is permanent. And her son Nigel’s independence still has to be resolved.
The second mother’s name I will not use. She is not the mother of children but of a movement. You can read all about her on the website she and her husband have created.
Let me quote from the websites as she describes herself:
She “knew in their early twenties that [she] did not want to have children, and [was] lucky enough to find a like-minded partner. They met at work in 1992 and married less than twelve months later. Now in their early thirties and living in Dee Why on Sydney’s northern beaches, they wonder how they would ever find time to be parents.
She “is a public relations consultant with a Bachelor of Arts in Communication, speaks German and is currently learning Italian. She goes to the gym and is only slightly obsessive about cats.”
She is “an active members of the BMW Drivers Club of NSW and enjoys motorsport. They recently became WIRES volunteers performing rescues of Australia’s injured and sick wildlife.”
The movement has as its logo a circle with a baby in it and a diagonal line through it. The movement she has brought to birth is the “Child Free Zone”.
It seems today that only apple pie is safe. Today you can speak and write and campaign against motherhood.
This, in part, explains why some women are now describing themselves with the term:
2. “Just A Mum”
So often when mothers are asked what they do they reply, “Oh I’m just a mum”, as if somehow the activity of mothering is minor, unimportant, not to be given much significance.
Why is the word “just” in the job description? Why not say “I’m a mother”?
Here are four answers.
(i) because it is so normal
There is nothing extraordinary or exotic about motherhood. Everybody has a mother. Everybody knows what mothers do. It’s not like being a marine biologist specialising in shark research or a forensic scientist - working for ASIO.
(ii) because they may not be doing any other task
i.e. “I do not have another job as well as being a mother not that I am putting down being a mother but you want to know what else I do”
Ask a man what does and he will rarely say “I am a dad”. He says “builder, plumber, dentist”. But ask a woman, who is not in paid employ, and she answers “just” a mum.
This leads to the third reason - which is ‘a put down’
(iii) because it is an unimportant task to do
It is like mothering is the kind of job that does not matter. When you answer “a mother”, people turn to others and ask what they do. Some people are not interested or make rude or insensitive comments or ask negative questions like, “So what do you do all day?”
which brings me to the fourth reason
(iv) because society today despises the role
There are parts of society today which thinks that children are awful and the mothers who care for them are boring morons who need to get a life. There are people who believe that we already have too many children and that human breeding should be discouraged.
What is a “mum”?
What is it to be a mother? Obviously it involves procreation but it is not limited to having the baby anymore than having a dog is limited to buying it from the pet shop. A mother is one who nurtures her children.
Let me give you two examples from Paul.
1 Thessalonians 2:7
7 but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children.
Romans 16:13
13 Greet Rufus, chosen in the Lord, and his mother, who has been a mother to me, too.
Mothering is relational. It is the whole work of caring, nurturing, loving, serving, helping, teaching. This goes back to the very way God has created us. Male and female he created Man and told us to be fruitful fill the earth and subdue it. Motherhood is not something external to us. It’s not like a job, it is part of our very nature and being and person. It is part of our biology.
Why is this such a sensitive topic to talk about? Why are our emotions so involved in the issue? It is not about what I do but about what I am (or am not). It is why Christians and non-believers alike can value motherhood - it is part of our creation.
God could have created us as hermaphrodites but he did not. He created us as males and females, that united together we would have offspring in a relationship that would nurture them.
Malachi 2:15
15 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.
That verse introduces us to another aspect of motherhood, the painfulness of the fallen world in which we live. For the curse of God upon Eve was:
Genesis 3:16
16 To the woman he said, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
Throughout the bible as in life, even coming to birth is risky dangerous. It is an image of judgement. There are so many things that can go wrong both for the baby and for the mother. And what pain there is in the miscarriages and stillborn and what tragedies when young women die in labour.
In fact the whole reproductive process makes women vulnerable and at times defenceless. The whole work of nurturing and raising our young is so time consuming, costly, sacrificial and tiring. Who is so exhausted as the feeding mother after a bad night with sick children? Who is so emotionally wrenched and tormented as the mother of wayward teenagers?
Proverbs 10:1
1 …A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son grief to his mother.
Proverbs 17:25
25 A foolish son brings grief to his father and bitterness to the one who bore him.
Naomi Wolf was in town recently promoting her latest book “Misconceptions” which details the surprising pain, suffering, difficulty of birth and mothering. She is not the first person to discover that mothering is such hard work, that mothers are so vulnerable. It is here in the Bible
But of course not all sin is the sin of the child. Mothers also fail in this fallen world. All are sinful. Some are forgetful. Some are selfish. Some are cruel. Some of us have the unpleasant memories of what mum was and how far short of the ideal of motherhood she was. The Bible knows it and uses it as an illustration of the perfect faithfulness of God.
Isaiah 49:15
15 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
And so we can see why in this fallen world, with the pain and suffering of motherhood, with the cost and difficulty of motherhood, with the failure and sinfulness of mothers, with the selfishness and materialism of modern society,
we have:
The Child-free option
I am not talking here of those who cannot have children. I do not refer to those who have never met the right man or who have difficulty conceiving or carrying to full term. Such things can be so desperately painful within our souls.
I am talking of the choice of some of a growing number of men and women never to have children.
As our society grows in wealth and prosperity it declines in reproduction. Our current birth rate is 1.7 children per woman which of course does not replace us. That would require 2.1 children.
An article in this week’s Sydney Morning Herald reported our birth rate as low as 1.37 children per woman. It claimed that Australia has one of the lowest birth rates in the world while being one of the safest places in the world to have babies.
This is true across the Western world. Birth rates drop with an increase in wealth.
The reasons for the Child Free Movement is sometimes expressed in moral terms of ZPG - a long time failed ecological strategy, irrelevant for our under-populated nation. This is not followed through by the adoption of poor or handicapped or sick children.
The real reason for the Child Free Movement is generally expressed in the most appalling, self-centred, materialistic terms.
The Australian Institute of Family Studies reported that in two separate studies, conducted among 2,500 people in 1981 and among 2,000 respondents in 1996,
“Ambivalence about children and concern that parenthood would impinge on free lifestyles”
dominated responses. More men and women are deciding against starting families.
As one woman explained to the Australian Institute: “I have a cat. I don’t feel like it. I’m too selfish.”
Authors Ruth Weston and LiXia Qu wrote in the Institutes magazine Family Matters
“The behaviour of children represented an intolerable cost overshadowing any benefits,”
The Institute’s Study, highlighted forgone earnings, the hidden cost of children. It showed that a woman who has completed high school sacrifices about $162,000 after tax, or 37 per cent of her lifetime earnings, when she has her first child.
(The Age 15/05/2001)
The very idea that you can or would want to put motherhood in money terms indicates the materialistic commercialisation of relationships that dominates our societies thinking.
But materialism and selfishness go hand in hand and are the opposite of motherhood. Motherhood means relationships are more important than materialism and unselfishness is a way of life.
Eleanor Mills wrote in The Spectator.
“Ambitious women are not going to be junking their hard-won careers to raise rugrats,”
Quoting British market research which found a quarter of the career women surveyed didn’t want children, Mills argued that “girls like me - healthy, hearty middle-class women in their twenties” are too busy to have babies.”
(SMH 27/02/2001)
Listen to some of the testimonials from the Child Free Zone Website
“I don’t like children.…
I value my freedom and independence very highly. I like to be able to just get in my car and go somewhere without having to load it first with the large amount of necessary accessories that go with children, or having to make alternative arrangements for childcare. I am totally happy with my life as it is. Having children would prevent me from doing many of the things I enjoy, such as riding and showing my horse. If I am already happy with my life why should I make such a major change? I don’t see any benefits that would make up for the sacrifices I would have to make.”
“…I know that child-rearing done well is a selfless activity, allowing no time for a mother’s personal needs. I am not willing to give up the time I have as a single person. I see it as a huge restriction.…”
“I was initially a clinical psychologist then decided to study medicine at age 30, completing my degree at 36, then undertaking my resident medical officer years. That would not have been a possibility for me if I’d had a child.”
“I have freedom from the knowledge that there is another being completely dependent on me and my love, attention, income and life, for at least sixteen years. I also have a happy relationship with the freedom to explore lots of interesting and exciting possibilities which would otherwise not be an option.”
But these kinds of reasons for being childfree are the superficial reasons. They mask the deeper reason, not just the psychological scarring of home background, but the profound rejection of God.
Because people reject God, they reject creation. They reject gis creation of us as men and women, as sexual reproductive beings. They reject their own biology through their life’s choices. “Biology is not destiny” they cry.
Because people reject God, they reject relationships as the means and way to live in God’s image. They reject relationships as the way and means to have and to raise children. Because people reject God, they reject the wonder and value of human life, of another person’s life. Because people reject God, they become materialists, self-centred selfish materialists living ultimately for their own happiness, using people not serving them, loving when they are loved and want to be loved but not paying the price of genuine sacrificial love.
It is because people reject God that our society is moving into the rejection of children, child raising, and motherhood.
The Father of the Child Free Zone website says that:
The belief, (that “children our future”)… is no different to believing that God will save humans, that aliens will fly down and save us or any other misplaced faith in speculation about future events.” Child Free Zone Website
The Bureau of Statistics revealed that not only is our birth rate dropping, but also it has regional economic and educational variations. So the birth rate is lowest in Melbourne and among the wealthy and educated women who could best afford children and among those with no religion
David Dale quipped
“perhaps the reason for Melbourne’s low figure is simply that it has a higher proportion of well-educated atheists.”
(SMH 01/11/2001)
But you may complain, “Phillip I know some lovely irreligious, even atheist people who love their children and are wonderful parents, brilliant mothers.”
And I am really glad. That is great, but it does not affect what I have been arguing.
There are two Biblical factors to remember
(i) creation : God has made us to be mothers and fathers. It is in our very biology. It is completely natural to us. It takes a real effort to deny the reality.
(ii) our sinful rejection of God means we will not want to live His way. We will choose to reject him and to live materialistically. Over time this pushes people further and further into unreality and selfishness.
But you may complain, “Phillip I just am not interested in children, I just do not have those maternal instincts”. However I have not been arguing from instincts but from creation.
The Bible talks of “training younger women to love their … children”. The reality of hormonal changes in pregnancy on one hand and of post-natal depression on the other signifies that present feelings are no guide.
So this morning I want to remind you in the face of the growing tide of our society away from motherhood that God commands you to:
Honour your mother
It is not natural for sinful people like us to do it. That is why we need the commandment and the reminder.
But how are we to honour our mothers?
Here are three quick tips, each provable from the Bible.
obey as a child - Even Jesus obeyed his parents
Luke 2:51
51 Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.
Bring them respect as an adult - Give up childish ways.
Proverbs 23:24-25
24 The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son delights in him.
25 May your father and mother be glad; may she who gave you birth rejoice!
provide for them in old age - which was our New Testament lesson.
1 Timothy 5:3-4,8
3 Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need.
4 But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.
8 If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Remember Jesus’s attack on the Pharisees in Mark chapter 7. They claimed to obey the law but they did not provide for their parents and so failed to honour them as the law required.
If that is how to honour our mothers, why should we honour them?
The Bible’s reasons for honouring mothers are that God commands us to. The created order of parents and children requires us to. It is right and proper. We should honour our mothers because of their God-like costly sacrifice for us, because of the wisdom of their teaching.
Mothers are vulnerable, especially when widowed. The blessing of God is promised to those who honour their mothers.
So we are commanded to honour our mother but not …to worship her.
She is not the absolute of your life.
Remember you are to leave father and mother when entering into marriage. Mothers who rule the next generation are going beyond their mandate from God. Children who cannot separate from mother are not entering properly into marriage.
She is still a sinful human .
She may forget you but God will never forget you.
If we do not love Jesus more than our mother
We cannot be his disciple (Matt 10:37) for we are not worthy of him.
So here we are on Mother’s Day 2003. I remind you to honour your mothers.
For some of us - mother is a memory now, for others honouring her is shown in obedience, or bringing her honour, or caring for her.
But for all of us, in 2003 in Sydney, I think it is standing up for mothers. Getting rid of the “just a mother” put down and reclaiming the wonder, dignity & value of motherhood.
Which of the two mothers I first spoke of was most like God? The mother of Childfree website or the mother of blind triplets.
Don Carson is a New Testament Professor in Chicago. He is a great man who will be in Sydney preaching next month.
His mother was a highly educated career missionary when she became a mother of three. When she was challenged about what she was doing with her life, she said very quietly and firmly “I am building character”.
Don’s sister is a missionary in PNG, his brother in the pastorate in North America and now a grandchild is going onto the mission field.
“I am building character” is a better description than “just a mum”. It the right description.
Phillip Jensen
Dean of Sydney
May 11, 2003
