A number of years ago, during my four years studying at Moore College, my wife came home after attending a meeting of ministry wives. As part of the evening, a guest speaker told the group that he had conflict nearly every day of his life in ministry.

At the time, I had eagerly hoped he was exaggerating. Perhaps he was, to some extent, but the point he made was valid. Christian ministry involves conflict.

I do not like conflict. I enjoy harmony. My dream for any meeting of minds is for the group to end with happy consensus, with lots of cheerful, positive moments along the way. Perhaps my preference has arisen from growing up in a family that ended in divorce. Maybe my innate understanding of conflict is that it ends up in separation and irreconciliation.

Yet, after several years in ministry I have come to recognise that conflict is positive, not negative.

Death by meeting

In his book, 'Death by Meeting', Patrick Lencioni points out that one of the three reasons that meetings fail is that the group tries to avoid conflict.

He notes that the best dramas all involve genuine conflict. And the journey to its resolution is not only entertaining, but ultimately fulfilling for its participants (and audience).

With this in mind, I now approach meetings very differently.

As a participant, I now bite down hard on the mouthguard, and prepare for some good-old-fashioned conflict. I try and state what I think, even if I know that it is not popular. Through the dance between thesis and antithesis we ultimately lead to the happy place that is synthesis. Two different views end up coming to a third, better view. And like any a great competition, the participants are both happy for the experience, especially when both players win!

When I chair meetings, whether it's Parish Council at my church, or my team of Directors at Youthworks Outdoors, I now work hard to get every view out into the open. I now encourage conflict, rather than avoiding it. The result is that our meetings keep our interest, and we generally end the time satisfied that we have addressed the issue properly, and have therefore reached a view that has considered the range of options before us.

Loving within conflict

It is vital, however, that the discussion happens in a loving way. The individuals in the group need to trust each other. The chair of the group needs to keep the group grounded in love. Yet, if we speak truthfully and lovingly, then we will end up serving each other, and the ultimate goal of the meeting, in the best possible way.

It would be nice to presume that a life following the Prince of Peace would be peaceful. But whether we like it or not, being a Christian involves conflict.

Do you deal with conflict in the best possible way?