Statistics show that 42 per cent of marriages Australia-wide will end in divorce, with the average marriage lasting approximately 12 years. In 2005 over 15,100 divorces were granted in NSW alone. Given this societal trend, how can churches best deal with this reality?
Cath Finney Lamb is a faithful evangelical Christian. She grew up as a minister's daughter, became a Crusader leader, was vice-president of the Sydney University Evangelical Union, and later married a Moore College student.
Then, in the year after she and her husband finished college, the marriage broke up.
In the first few months after the separation Cath found attending church very difficult.
"Constant questions about whether I was still going to church ate away at my sense of belonging to God's family," she says.
"Most painful was the feeling of being judged. Judgement communicates a message that people think that we divorcees are "sinners' and that others in the church are not. This hurts!"
Cath says it is important for the church to help divorced people to stay in relationship with God and His people in the aftermath of a marriage breakdown.
"In the midst of situations of separation and divorce there is a unique opportunity for people to come to know Christ," she says.
"The first few years after a divorce are a time of re-evaluation and reshaping of life that sets a foundation for the years ahead."
Cath has written an indepth column outlining a dozen ways Christians can help people stay connected to God and the church in the wake of divorce.
"Make an effort to stay connected, even when the two parties in the marriage break-up need a lot of space," Cath advises.
"Whilst close friends often provide most support, comfortable social connections with people in the broader Christian community are vital for maintaining a sense of belonging to the church."
The cure of counselling
Kay Dowling, who is the regional manager for Anglicare Sydney's community support and outreach program in the inner-west, says a range of both Christian and non-Christian couples come in for counselling, including those who are in the process of separating or divorcing, those who are concerned about the current state of their marriage and individuals who are dealing with life post-divorce.
"A lot of couples come to us feeling like it's end of the road and see no hope. We approach every situation believing that there is hope," she says.
As counsellors who are Christian, Mrs Dowling says her team can use this to assist clients in unique ways.
"As a Christian, you bring your faith to the relationship. We can pray with couples and look at their relationship in the context of being Christians. It's a way people can strengthen their relationship and know that they are not alone in the process."
Mrs Dowling says clients will typically have around six months of counselling. Sometimes a partner will also see a counsellor individually. She says the most common causes of divorce are difficulties relating to expectations and roles.
"Often these aren't clear. People feel bad about who they are in the relationship, and people dwell in a situation of feeling bad which builds up," Mrs Dowling says.
"We also see a lot of blaming with people failing to look at their actions and how they may contribute to breakdown. Another is too much energy going outside the relationship and an imbalance between work and home life."
She also reveals that while infidelity is often a part of break-ups among non-Christian couples, power imbalances tend to be the main difficulty for Christian couples.
"I think we probably see more power imbalances and strong feelings of inequality as the main issues for Christian couples."
Mrs Dowling says the six key ingredients for a good marriage are positive communication, commitment, appreciation and affection, quality and quantity time, spirituality and an ability to cope in times of stress and crisis.
She also stresses that a couple should not regard seeing a counsellor as sign of failure.
"My advice is for couples to take the step to phone up and see someone. To talk to a professional who is outside the family and trained in couples work can make a huge difference. It can even be good for some people just to talk to someone else."
One man's perspective
Annandale Community Church member Craig Schwarze is a father of three boys and has been divorced since 2004.
Craig says he had mixed experiences at church during the time of his relationship troubles and divorce process.
"On the negative side, when my ex-wife announced she was going to leave me the leadership did not treat it as a moral issue, even though she was a member of the church," Craig says.
"No-one actually said "what she is doing is wrong'. This left me feeling pretty confused, and greatly diminished the moral authority of the church in my eyes."
However, Craig says many Christian brothers and sisters supported him emotionally during that time.
"They spent time with me, spoke with me, were available and looked out for me. It was wonderful. The first Christmas without my family was pretty terrible, but three different families from church invited me around to share Christmas lunch" it was real love in action."
Craig says that from his experience, most churches do not know how to deal with divorce, even as it becomes an increasingly common reality.
"I don’t think it’s through unwillingness, more a lack of training and resources. I’ve spoken to numerous pastors on this issue, and all have expressed a desire to better support divorced people," Craig says.
Despite the overwhelming support Craig received from fellow Christians, he believes negative attitudes toward divorced people have a long history in the church and still exist today.
"Divorce has almost been treated as the "unforgivable sin' in the past, like it's something there is no redemption from. I think the pastor has to carefully think through the theology of divorce, rather than having only a superficial understanding of what the Bible teaches about it," Craig says.
Craig says the location of his church in the inner-west means there is a higher than average number of divorced people within the church. The church is looking to minister to these people effectively.
"This year we are starting a divorce recovery group, which we expect to run once or twice a year," he says.
