We all know the value of being recognised or appreciated for the things we do or the contribution we bring to others. It’s no less true for youth and children’s ministers. Yet I often hear from children’s and youth ministry workers that they feel discouraged and taken for granted. But at the same time I often hear from parents and church leaders that they are enormously appreciative of the hard work and expertise of their children’s and youth minister. So what’s going on here?
Perhaps we’re just not good at sharing words of encouragement with the people that we’re encouraged by. It’s not uncommon for people to be effusive in praising someone to others, but fail to communicate that sense of recognition with the person themselves. Sometimes it’s a simple oversight. Particularly in busy ministries, it’s easy to forget that we haven’t actually shared our appreciation with the children’s or youth minister themselves. If you’ve forgotten recently to share a word of encouragement with the children’s and youth ministry teams at your church, then today’s a good day to fix that.
Alternatively the absence of encouraging words might be intentional. Have you heard people say, ‘he doesn’t need to hear how good he is, his head is big enough already’? The main problem with that sort of statement is that if someone really is so full of themselves that a word of encouragement following some effective ministry is going to be dangerous, then what’s that person doing as a leader of young people in the first place? It’s also worth considering whether the lack of explicit verbal encouragement has contributed to this person’s self-promotion – a sinful self-promotion, yes, but perhaps a sinful response to a less than ideal situation where there has been too little encouraging feedback. Perhaps we can take Paul’s example; Paul who rarely (if ever?) thanks anyone directly. He is however full of thanksgiving for others, but he does so by thanking God for others, in their hearing. Today’s a good day to say to your children’s or youth ministry, “I’m thankful to God for the way he has used you in ministry in our church.”
Perhaps however the problem isn’t with encouraging messages being sent, but with encouraging messages being heard.
'Language of encouragement'
As we’ve been teaching a unit on ‘the personal life of those in ministry’ with Youthworks College students we spend some time talking about personality differences. One way that personality differences show themselves is when it comes to giving appreciation or recognition to others.
Imagine you’ve done a good job on something and you get the following feedback: ‘Thanks so much, sure there were some problems, but none of us are perfect and we just love you having you around. We really appreciate your effort. The place wouldn’t be the same without you, you’ve made a real difference to our lives.’ How would you respond?
What if the feedback was this: ‘Thanks for that; really good job. I recognise how competent you are in this. I want you to take on extra responsibility in this area from now on.’ How would you feel? Chances are, one of those types of feedback leaves you feeling cold while the other gives you a boost of energy to take on the challenges of tomorrow.
For some people appreciation from others is what encourages them most. They’re likely to prefer the first type of feedback. They value personal and genuine thanks, and plenty of appreciation. It has to be sincere though since they can easily detect insincerity. They might appreciate financial or material rewards, but are more likely to be encouraged by tokens and gestures of appreciation. They value being appreciated for their personal contribution and how they’ve been able to make a difference because of who they are. Without it they’re likely to be left hurt and demotivated, and may well end up with a profound loss of confidence.
Others will relish the second type of feedback: clear, to the point and with the opportunity for increased responsibility. These people need recognition from someone they respect; recognition that isn’t over-the-top; recognition that involves some sort of objective measure of reward. Being given a larger project is a great affirmation of their competence that will give them energy for a new day. If they were given the first piece of feedback they’re likely to hear nothing past ‘there were some problems’! “If there are problems, then let me know and we’ll fix them! If there are problems then why are you phaffing around about with the rest of that fluff?!” They’re unlikely to be as deeply effected as the first group if they don’t hear their preferred way of being recognised. Yet still, they may well be left angry or annoyed, they may distance themselves from the team, and be left with reduced energy for making a contribution.
Maybe there’s a deficit of encouragement not because there’s a lack of encouraging words, but because we’re using the wrong words for the wrong type of people. We are likely to encourage others in the way that we ourselves like to be encouraged – but when your children’s or youth ministry doesn’t share your personality type, your words may well have the opposite effect.
If that’s the case, then today’s a good day to have a conversation with your children’s or youth minister to find out what ‘language of encouragement’ they speak. And if you’re a children’s or youth minister, perhaps you could do the same for the leaders you serve.
