In the Wall Street Journal yesterday, comes this op-ed piece: ‘For Better or for Worse: When Marriage Vows Get Creative’. The writer, David Lapp, talks about personalising his wedding vows:

This is exactly what my fiancée and I had in mind when we recently sat down with our pastor for premarital counseling. I told him that we planned to write our own vows. He dismissed my idea and directed us to the Book of Common Prayer for the vows he thought we should exchange. The vows there are more formal, and hardly original. My sensibilities were offended. “Don’t you know this is our wedding?”

I honestly wasn't intending to offend his sensibilities. I am the pastor in this story. He and his wife are friends of mine from when I served at Christ Church NYC. The above discussion happened while having breakfast in a classic New York diner on 6th Ave & 34th St. Take a read of David’s article: I’m not sure what changed his mind, but he now argues persuasively for keeping the common vows.

Here are five reasons why I say "I won't" to writing or re-working the wedding vows:

1. I'm not allowed.

St Philip's, York Street is sandstone and central. It is not a 'marriage factory', although the claim has been made! It is Anglican, and I am only authorised as a celebrant 'according to the rites of the Anglican Church'. The Grumpy Bishop confirmed it with me this afternoon. And that means I don't tinker with the vows. That having been said, I don't believe I was so constrained in New York. It is not the only reason I say "I won't".

2. A marriage is one of many before and after it.

It is possible to be near-sighted on your wedding day. In fact, it is almost inevitable. You are in love, and you think of you, your beloved, and the rest of your life. As David Lapp said: "It's our wedding". But many have made these promises before you, and many will go after you. You become part of that story as you promise the same things your grandparents promised and, God willing, your grandchildren too.

3. A love story is part of a divine story.

God is the lover, and his people the beloved. God's story of love, fidelity and grace defines human love, fidelity and grace. Marriage is a 'symbol of the union that is betwixt Christ and his Church'. In 1943, Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote a letter to a young bride and groom, saying that marriage is from above, from God:

“Your love is your own private possession, but marriage is more than something personal "” it is a status, an office. As high as God is above man, so high are the sanctity, the rights, and the promise of love. It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.”

4. The Vows have the capacity to shape the Marriage.

As you make the promises, you put meaning and shape to what you will do in marriage. In another (older) Washington Post op-ed piece, comes this gem:

"Marriage was a status we graduated into, and it was bigger than we were. It defined us, and not the other way around. Now we seem to be losing the institutional imperatives of marriage, leaving only the private relationship—and that is increasingly likely to turn on such things as personal satisfaction."

5. The vows are un-improvable.

'To have and to hold'? 'To love and to cherish'? 'For better or for worse'? 'Until we are parted by death'? Which words are up for grabs? These vows tell you what to do, when to do it, and for how long. Although not quotes from the Bible, it is hard to imagine a clearer and comprehensive set of promises for marriage. They are simple, yet profound. They are enriching, yet challenging. They are uplifting, yet sobering.

I am wedded to these vows, till death us do part.

Are you?