To say I was a bit upset when I was told " at work " that I had breast cancer, would be an understatement. Then when told it had gone to the lymph nodes, I assumed my time before heavenly promotion was quite limited.
After the shock of diagnosis had subsided, I decided that as my life would now be very short it was time to take risks. Firstly, I was going to get a suntan " no more slip slop slap for me. Secondly there was no point in denying myself that extra chocolate. I would not have to read all the professional magazines that flood the letterbox, and I would definitely not wear the mouth guard to stop my nocturnal grinding!
Such freedom!
But" what if I was wrong? What if, in God's grace, all the surgery, poisons and radiation actually cured me? And then in 15-20 years time I developed sun cancers, was overweight with diabetes, was incapable of performing my job responsibly, and, worst of all, needed false teeth! Then I would look back at my risk taking behaviour with regret.
That got me thinking about Jesus " I trust in him " but what spiritually risky behaviour am I doing? Greed, materialism, lack of prayer and evangelism. Am I going to get to heaven and look back with regret at my behaviour today when I realize how worthless treasure on earth is?
In between my fifth and sixth dose of chemotherapy for my breast cancer, I made the mistake of attending a Breast Medical Conference. I thought it would be good for me " total madness, I now know!
Here it hit home to me that the medical world regards death as the ultimate failure. I was bombarded with statistics, and any hopes I had of a cure were, quite falsely, shattered. So, I started to think about my death yet again " would it be any easier facing death at 82 than at 42? Our lives are so short anyway " the outcome awaits us all.
The Psalmist did not want to die young either (Psalm 102:23-24) so I do not think we need to feel guilty if we don't want to die right now. However, it is so important to number our days, realize how fragile we are and keep our eyes fixed on eternity, not worldly things. Otherwise we will not cherish every moment given us and not use all opportunities for being lights in the world.
A dear friend loaned me a book after my diagnosis that was very helpful. When a Parent has cancer by Dr Wendy S Harpham It tells how a medico related to her children during her own treatment for lymphoma.
The biggest thing I learned was how important it is to teach my children by example that life is not fair. So often we expect good things, but we are not promised these things in this life (eg John 16:33).
I really wanted my cancer and therapy not to leave scars on my children but to help them grow as human beings. I have seen patient's anxiety have lasting negative affects on those around them. This meant that I had to put into practice my belief that even if bad things happen, like cancer, I can still trust that God is sovereign and that we can be thankful for every good gift he gives us, especially eternal life.
I'm not sure I did a very good job! Understandably, when I was at my sickest, the behaviour of one of my sons was at its worst. I didn't manage to stay in control at times " especially when he refused to eat the wonderful meals our Church family supplied us with when I was not able to cook.
The kids still ask occasionally if I am going to get cancer again. I have no difficulty in telling them that I do not know. But God does and he will not only give us the strength to deal with the hard things that are to come, but he can also help us to be content and joyful in those tough times.
I am used to being a busy woman and have quite a task-oriented personality. However, surgery and chemotherapy soon put pay to activity. One thing I struggled with over the months of illness was that even if I was lying on the lounge doing absolutely nothing whilst others cared for me, I was still a worthwhile person. I was not contributing to society in any form, quite the opposite in fact as I used up resources. It made my family sad to see me sick. And I could not be active in Christian work. So my feeling of self worth plummeted.
It is great at these times to get back to the basics. Jesus says the two greatest commandments are to love God and our neighbours (Matthew 22:34-40). I cannot find the command to achieve four good works everyday, have an immaculate house or be involved with as many church and community activities as possible. I had to come to realise that God still loved me when I was not doing anything. We are only worthwhile because God made us and loves us.
Some people are prevented from achieving things from the world's perspective because of sickness or disability. However, that does not mean that they do not get as enthusiastic a greeting of "Well done good and faithful servant", on their arrival to Glory! And after all, there is no greater thing to aspire to, in life or death.
