Concern about the health of clergy marriages has resulted in the creation of a new course aimed at improving the married lives of Sydney's ministry workers.
Ministry Training & Development's Ken Noakes says he was surprised by the comments he was receiving as he consulted Sydney Anglican clergy over the development of an evangelistic marriage course.
"How can we help others to get their marriage right if we haven't thought about how to get ours right?" was a common response.
What emerged is the Ministry Marriage Course, a two-day event held for the first time in late May.
"There are a lot of enrichment courses out there but none that we found were for clergy couples, and there are unique pressures on clergy marriages," says Ken.
The tragedy of ministry marriages breaking up is not unknown in Sydney Diocese. A sobering number have failed in recent times.
Ken says he hopes the course, put together by ministers in consultation with senior clergy and their wives, will help clergy couples to deal with the pressures of parish life.
Bishop Ivan Lee says it is common for people to unintentionally put pressure on clergy couples. "One common expectation is for clergy to be available 24 hours a day," he says.
"The "living in the fishbowl' experience of life in a rectory next door to the church can be a constant burden. It's hard for a couple to "be themselves' relationally when you never know who is about to walk past your front window.
"Some pressures are to do with ministry itself, such as coping with criticism (and) the emotional rollercoaster of one minute rejoicing in a person finding Christ and in the next minute dealing with a person facing death."
However, adds Bishop Lee: "Most clergy couples know the importance of their own marriages, and although they would be the first to say they're not perfect, many are great examples to their flock."
Sharing the sad experience
Recalling a clergy couple separating in her own Sydney Anglican church, parishioner Jessica Stephenson* says the pain extends beyond the couple.
"A clergy break-up is very public: either it's the end of a long road, or they've covered it very successfully and one of them moves out and it's a huge shock," she says.
"The congregation is sad, it's wounded, it's puzzled, and it really tests the maturity of a parish " can they handle it without gossiping or being judgemental? Can they be supportive and compassionate?"
Assistant Minister at Panania Anglican Church, Matthew Snelson, and his wife Meriel were one of 20 couples to do the MT&D course as part of the ministry development program for graduates in their first four years out of Moore College.
"Having a good marriage is very important to me, so I was happy to take time to invest in this course," he says.
"We were able to take stock and it gave us tools to work through and things to develop, and it was special to have a night out and spend time with each other."
One of the key dangers is that leading other people through marriage crises means clergy can be left too empty to face their own home life situations, says Matthew.
"There's a definite skill in being able to serve and give of yourself to a large number of people, whom you're trying not to lean on yourself," Matthew explains.
"There are times when the [clergy] wife can get an emotionally drained shell of a husband."
A clergy wife's perspective
Meriel says clergy wives face the confusion of a significant but ill-defined role.
"The specific nature of working in parish ministry means there are pressures on our marriage that might not be in another marriage, because there are expectations on Matthew and me about the kind of people we are, how we relate, how we bring up our family," she says.
"I'm the assistant minister's wife, but what that means can be a nebulous thing."
The course includes sessions on the theological foundations of marriage, the importance of emotional connection, sex, and the impact of family backgrounds on a marriage.
Bishop Glenn Davies encourages clergy couples to do the Ministry Marriage Course as well as regular marriage enrichment courses.
"The demands on an ordinary parish clergyman are so great that special care needs to be taken to prepare couples for ordained ministry. There also needs to be special preparation for men and women already in ordained ministry who marry a wife or husband who isn't aware of all the demands," he says.
"The more we address these issues on a personal level through the experience of those who have gone before us, the better."
