Australian actor Hugh Jackman spoke up this week about his experiences in adopting a baby. Jackman and his wife, Deborra-Lee Furness adopted their children after suffering several miscarriages. He spoke critiquing 'Australia’s strict laws on adopting children from overseas'.

And I'm glad he spoke up.

I'm glad he spoke, not because I want to (or can) comment on his criticism. I'm glad he spoke because the more I move on in pastoral ministry, the more I see that people in our churches and in our communities are suffering a trinity of silent pain. And I think it's good to talk about it.

Here is the Trinity:

1. Conception

Conception is painfully out of our control. A couple can come together, but conception - the actual fertilising of an egg - is almost entirely out of our control. God does that. And he doesn't always choose to. Science and medicine have allowed for treatment, of course. But fertility treatment can be long, slow, painful and disappointing. Couples agonise over moral questions, money and regular disappointments.

My point is that many in our communities suffer silently. There are good reasons for not talking openly: these are such intimate matters coming from deep desires. But the limitation is that there are fewer avenues for care and love in those times. We find support by feeling our way forward in quiet conversations.

2. Miscarriage

Most famously don't announce a pregnancy until the end of the first trimester. It is hard to keep a pregnancy silent, but we do it anyway. We do it, among other reasons, so that if we suffer a personal miscarriage we don't have to suffer what effectively becomes a public miscarriage later. We keep silent now, so that we can keep silent later. But then we are not left with any communal moment or marking of the loss.

There are good reasons to keep silent. And yet it is remarkable how many people come out of the 'woodwork' when our miscarriages are made known. We suffer quietly.

3. Adoption

If we choose the adoption route, then there are so many complex issues at play: Australian adoption laws (Hugh Jackman's comment); which 'pool' to be in; the changing nature of the adoption laws of overseas nations; whether to adopt a special needs child; waiting; costs; training; domestic inspections; age questions; debates about the way forward.

In the Bible, infertility is the pain on which the promises of God are made and then fulfilled: He is the God of Sarah and Abraham, of Rebecca and Isaac, of Rachel and Jacob. It is also a pain that warrants sustained prayer, as shown in Hannah's life.

My questions for discussion: how can churches better serve people in this trinity of pain? How can we keep discreet and yet open, ready to care?

Tell us your experience if you like. What things were helpful or unhelpful for you?

Oh, and all commenters: be kind, because this is a difficult topic for many.