John Gottman, a USA based marriage researcher, has filmed and analysed hundreds of couples during his career focusing on what are good predictors of bad marriages, and what can be done to reverse some of dynamics which he has found can be terminally toxic to relationships. His work is most often portrayed in relation to his use of the phrase "the four horsemen of the apocalypse" referring to the quartet of what he sees as the most dangerous enemies of marriage survival - criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone-walling.
However he is equally concerned with building up marriages and working to reverse the effects of the "four horsemen". He quotes an old maxim that for a successful marriage, each negative exchange must be balanced by five positive ones. Interestingly, he maintains that the one negative experience is just as important as the five positive ones. “What may lead to temporary misery in a marriage, some disagreement and anger, may be healthier in the long run", explaining that a limited level of conflict can clear the air and has a function in renewing and re- balancing the relationship.
Gottman's ideas for building resilience in your relationship build a buffer which helps the couple to stay in relationship through the rocky times. Each aspect of the neat seven point plan (like all good self help books these days!) counteracts the effects of the "four horsemen".
1. Enhance your love maps: that is, spend time and effort growing your knowledge about each other. This can slide in more longstanding relationships, where couples can get complacent about knowing their partner and not acknowledge that they may be changing.
2. Nurture your fondness and admiration for each other: building a positive view of each other builds reserves that buffer the bad times. Get into a habit of noticing and communicating to your partner what it is you appreciate about them on a regular basis. If you're feeling really keen, you could follow the 40 day program in "The Love Dare Book" (Alex and Stephen Kendrick).
3. Turn towards each other instead of away: in every day life as well as on romantic evenings out. When your spouse makes a subtle (or unsubtle!) bid for your attention or support, do you "turn towards them " or turn away?
4. Let your partner influence you: by seeking and taking their feelings and opinions into account you show them respect and honour. Gottman finds from his research that when a man is unwilling to share power with his partner there is an 81% chance that the marriage will self destruct.
5. Solve your solvable problems: use a soft start up to arguments, learn to make and receive repair attempts, soothe yourself and each other, compromise and be tolerant of each other's faults.
6. Overcome gridlock: Some problems, such as he wants to live in the country and she doesn't, can never be solved. However, learning to live with these large, apparently unsolvable problems can happen through dialogue. The apparent "gridlock" often indicates that one's "dreams" for life aren't being addressed and good communication can allow honouring of these dreams. "The bottom line of getting past gridlock is not necessarily to become a part of each other's dreams..but to honour these dreams" (p. 234)
7. Create shared meaning: making meaning of the relationship beyond the chores of child rearing etc, usually including some aspect of a spiritual dimension to life, and developing a specific "culture" to your own relationship. Of course in Christian marriages, this is a given, but spending time reflecting on how a couple's shared faith affects the fundamentals of their lives will lead to a richer, more meaningful marriage. Meaning-making may be enhanced by the development of couple specific rituals that confirm and support the values the couple hold together.
On a final note, whilst Gottman is attending to married couples, I was interested to reflect on how applicable these predictors and principles could be applied to other relationships in a modified form. Maybe I don't want to develop "love maps" of my work colleagues - but surely taking time to know them and their lives can only bring dividends?
(Gottman, J. & Silver, N. 2000 The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Orion: London)
