I don’t think people intentionally place stress on clergy couples, but at times high expectations of the clergy husbands, wives and children can be unrealistic and very difficult to live up to.
One common expectation is for the husband or wife to be available 24 hours a day. And there are many others.
The "living in the fishbowl' experience of life in a rectory next door to the church can be a constant burden. It’s hard for a couple to "be themselves' relationally when you never know who is about to walk past your front window or inadvertently look into the backyard.
In fact, my wife and I were startled (to put it mildly) when a parishioner let herself into the rectory with a key she had possessed for many years. Naturally, I asked for the key back!
Pressures also arise from the ministry situation itself " some places are harder than others. One rectory I know of has been broken into over 40 times, including at times when the family were in the house.
Some pressures are to do with ministry itself, such as coping with criticism. Wives especially find it difficult when their clergy husband is criticised, and don’t know how best to respond. It is also a challenge dealing with people in pain and crisis.
In the midst of all this, there is the priority of getting on with mission and evangelism and the preparation of talks.
Other pressures include loneliness, no clear boundaries between work and home, the emotional rollercoaster of one minute rejoicing in a person finding Christ and in the next minute dealing with a person facing death.
Finally, there are the pressures that arise from the relational dynamics of the couple themselves. Every couple, clergy or not, is unique and have their own challenges.
Bishop on break-up
I think the effects of a clergy marriage break-up are far-ranging, like the proverbial ripple in the pond.
The longer the ministry couple have been in the parish and the greater respect and love people have for them, the greater the effect.
Some will feel betrayed or angry or disappointed or even disillusioned. Conflicts may arise as people take sides or disagree with the way things are handled. A lot of energy needs to go into the recovery process, and rightly so, but the focus on mission can be diminished.
The break-up of a respected couple may even cause doubts in people’s minds about their own marriage.
I’d like to add that from what I’ve seen of clergy marriages in the diocese, they seem to me very strong, committed and faithful. Most clergy couples know the importance of their own marriages, and although they would be the first to say they’re not perfect, many of them are great examples to their flock.
