They had their chance and they blew it. Yet another Christmas has just passed and once again most ministers failed to answer the "What do you want for Christmas?' question.
They lost a golden opportunity to put in a request for some useful, some might say mandatory, tools for the job at hand. Just in case they are too humble to ask here is a list of specialised gifts that you might want to give them:
1. A copy of the latest book called "NAFF' (No Acronym Fosters Fellowship). This will help get rid of the alienating acronym epidemic that is sweeping through our churches. Not only does a newcomer or outsider have no idea who or what "Nostrils" or "AWOL" is but the eyes of regular members glaze over when the terms are used. Acronyms are naff!
2. A life size human skeleton with all the bones connected. This can be hung in the minister's study to remind him that the "knee-bone's connected to the thigh-bone". They
are not lying disconnected in a heap. Hopefully, this will help them to see how all of the parts of the church are linked together. It will be extremely valuable when planning evangelism as they will be reminded to look at how the whole church functions as one and not to ignore the importance of each department. Smaller versions of the same skeleton can be gift wrapped for each section leader or department head to remind them also they are part of the whole.
3. A huge digital clock like those high up on city buildings for each child in the family. It is to be mounted on a pedestal in the Family Room of the minister's house. Each clock runs in reverse and is counting down the days until the child turns 18. This is to remind the parents that they only have limited time available to help guide their child/ren to understand the person and work of Jesus.
4. A one week residential course in stand up comedy. "Dad Jokes' are getting worse in this writer's opinion (particularly those told by the writer, according to the offspring). If a preacher is foolhardy enough to venture into the world of wit then it has to be done with obvious professionalism. Nothing else will prevent the members of his family from sliding off their pews while emitting such sounds as to lead parishioners to think that a rhino is dying under the building.
5. A pile of redeemable gift cards entitled "This permits the holder to call upon the giver for a coffee/drink at any time". It will help ministers to remember that a quiet moment spent one-on-one can be some of the most useful ministry undertaken.
6. A copy of "Educational Theory for Dummies" (Clergy Edition). Hopefully this will help overcome the view that the sermon is the only thing to worry about and that Bible Studies, Song/Music selection, Bookstalls, etc can look after themselves. Once the minister has grasped the concept that each part of church life is linked to other parts (see Gift "2' above) then the overall impact will be greater and Christian growth and maturity will be advanced.
7. An impossible to remove virus on the hard drive that prevents the internet being activated without the pastor first of all reading his Bible and saying his prayers.
I'm not sure how these gifts will be received but there is a back up plan " none of them can be returned to the store. Keep your eye out for some of them around this time in 2007.
