Grief affects every church community but we could be better prepared. KYM FUHRMANN speaks to Sydney Anglicans whose lives have been touched by loss.
The saying goes, "There are two things you can be sure of in life " death and taxes." We know that everyone dies " eventually. And if everyone dies, then, everyone grieves.
"I'll never forget the first funeral I took as a young minister," said Senior Minister at St Thomas' North Sydney, Simon Manchester. "The casket was carried in by only one man. It had inside a baby girl who had died. "A few minutes into the short service, the mother ran forward, threw herself on the coffin and screamed at the top of her voice. Who can measure how wrung-out and exhausted she was by those days of grief?"
How do church communities care for this woman, or a husband whose wife has died from breast cancer, or a child who loses a parent? "Someone has said that grief is a process that cannot be reduced by short-cuts," said Mr Manchester, "No two people are the same, but everyone has to deal with grief " one way or another. And the closer the relationship, the greater the loss," he said.
Michael Hill's first wife of 26 years, Christine, passed away in 1992. He said the best support he received was from individuals within the church. "In one sense I didn't feel supported by the group as a whole. It was individual members of the local church who supported me," he said. "A number of them took time to visit me or send flowers or a note, and through all this I sensed that people at church were praying for me and doing what they could."
He said it was unhelpful when people tried to theologise what he was feeling.
"At the early stages of grief I found it decidedly unhelpful" when you are painfully missing someone it is unhelpful to point out that he or she is in heaven or that you will see them again at the resurrection. "The immediate problem for a well-taught Christian is an emotional one " it is the emotional problem of someone you loved and who loved you not being available anymore."
More than 10 years after Christine's death, Michael Hill can look back with perspective. "I think the people at church had a necessary but more peripheral role in the healing process," he said. "I discovered the two things. Firstly… that you could not lean on close family members, because they were fragile because of the loss."
"Secondly" that it was my close personal friends that played the major role.
He said that there were times when he felt misunderstood by his church community. "One of the things that I didn't find helpful was the way in which people at church viewed and treated me differently," he said. "After being married for over 25 five years I was used to being viewed as part of a team of two" once she died it was inevitable that I be viewed as a single man. Some women seem to see me as a threat as a single man and avoid me where and when it was possible. Perhaps it was not because I was a threat but because they just didn't know what to say. I found it quite hurtful at the time."
Jill McGilvray works at St Matthew's, West Pennant Hills and is a bereavement counsellor. She believes most people have their hearts in the right place when it comes to caring for church members who are grieving. "But often [they] feel inadequate in knowing how to help," she said. "Often people worry that they won't know what to say, and in reality it's not what they say that is the point. It really is being there that matters," she said.
Assistant Minister at St Aidan's Annandale Andrew Barry said generally the church family is good at looking after people in the initial stages of grief.
"But [we] are pretty bad when it comes to long term support," he admits. "When someone you love dies, you get lots of support for a week or two, but not much after that."
Musician and pastor Rob Smith lost 17 close friends and family over a two-year period. "It felt like we were in perpetual grief mode, funeral attendance and hospital visits," he said. " It was a terrible time " we just survived. We didn't have any other option." With over 15 years in ministry Rob Smith says he has had many different experiences caring for people who are grieving lost spouses, children and parents. Most recently he has helped a couple grieving the loss of their baby.
He said it was important to get them to talk, to use the baby's name and to look at photos. "Helping them to connect with what was happening. They were pretty much in shock, and this helped them get to a place to begin the process of sadness. The most important thing to say is; all anyone can do is work out how to bring the word of God to bear on any situation. It can be done badly," he said.
"So I think that kind of ministry of the word needs to be embodied in real personal entry into the person's grief."
He said this will help further down the track. "So then when you say words that need to be said " it's not as though you're throwing a gospel grenade into someone's pain but you are standing with them."
Mrs McGilvray said that one of the best ways to support those who are grieving is to pray. "Praying with someone who can't find their own words in their grief can be a great comfort," she said.
All agreed people make mistakes and sometimes fail to meet grieving people's needs. "The inside and outside of grief are so different. One can have sympathy and empathy but still not know what deep grief is like," says Michael Hill.
"To know that others have gone through similar pain and come out of it is comforting. It may be good to train up a group of people who have gone through a significant grief experience so that the minister can call on them to visit someone when the occasion arises. Churches should educate everyone about grief."
