In his essay “The Long Bag We Drag Behind Us,” the poet Robert Bly describes the shadow half of the human heart as a bag that we stuff full of all that we perceive to be undesirable so that we can function as an acceptable member of society.
A child running is a living globe of energy. We had a ball of energy, all right; but one day we noticed that our parents didn't like certain parts of that ball. They said things like: "Can't you be still?" Or "It isn't nice to try and kill your brother." Behind us we have an invisible bag, and the part of us our parents don't like, we, to keep our parents' love, put in the bag.
This theory goes on to suggest that the rejected parts of ourselves that we put in the bag gain power and influence: the longer we refuse to acknowledge them, they can end up tyrannising our lives, seemingly outside our control.
David Benner explores this concept within the Christian framework in "The Gift of Being Yourself" arguing that self transformation is accomplished in two ways; the crucifixion of our sin nature which must be preceded by self knowledge and self acceptance.
Crucifixion should be directed towards our sin nature. And we must first accept it as our nature, not simply human nature. Only after we genuinely know and accept everything we find within our self, can we begin to develop the discernment to know what should be crucified and what should be embraced as an important part of self.
Often we are painfully aware in our relationships how we seemingly overreact to our partner in various situations. With further prayerful self examination we can become more knowledgeable about the patterns within these outbursts and seek to grow in Christ to overcome them.
However, for the majority who are still struggling with this phase of growth, here are some ideas about how our "long bags" affect our relationships with those closest to us:
1. The size of our "long bag" and how tightly shut it is has been determined by what we experienced during our childhood. We live in an imperfect world and none of us experience totally perfect childhoods.
2. Dealing with our "long bag" is a lifetime's work - some would say it IS the work of our lives.
3. Sometimes a concentrated period of dealing with our "long bag" is necessary, especially if the content of the "long bag" is causing major difficulties in our personal lives or relationships. This may need professional support.
4. Living in relationships often will highlight or make obvious what is in our "long bags" - some would say our choice of partner is actually determined by the contents of our "long bags" so it is inevitable that living with that person will bring things up.
5. Most of us are more aware of what is in the other person's bag rather than our own and will avoid looking at or in our "long bag". We can become quite critical of either what is in the other person's "long bag" or the effect it is having on our relationship.
6. We are the only person who can deal with the contents of our own "long bag" - we cannot deal with the other person's or force them to deal with it.
7. However we can tell the other person what effect their "long bag" is having on us.
8. As half of a relationship, our responsibility to our partner is
"¢ To deal with our own "long bag"
"¢ To gently let our partner know how their "long bag" affects us
"¢ To lovingly support them as they deal with the contents of their "long bag", accepting this will take time.
"¢ To celebrate progress both make in dealing with their "long bags"
"¢ To accept that we do not live in a perfect world and that all relationships have their difficulties
9. As we develop a growing intimacy with our inner selves in the presence of God, and allow our authentic selves to be revealed to Him, we will be enabled to enjoy a deeper and more satisfying intimacy with our partners.
Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. (Galatians 6:1-5)
