My husband and I ran a pre-marriage course last weekend for a parish that has a pretty stone church and attracts a large number of couples from outside their church because of the beautiful setting.

The church insists that couples who use their church for their wedding prepare for their marriage by attending some teaching with the minister who discusses with them Christian marriage, and that they attend a one and a half day program of marriage readiness training.

On the Friday night, we began with an exercise asking people to "scale" their delight or dislike of being forced to attend the training. We had at least two who confessed they would rather be anywhere than at the training!  That wasn’t an encouraging start but at least it was out in the open!

As we got to know the 6 couples over the weekend, we were struck by the diversity of their backgrounds in terms of relationship history. The only Christian couple were already married, had heard the training was on and were back for a refresher. Of the rest of the couples, we had every combination - people both on second marriages, one young couple with an 18 month old child, one partner with a previous marriage and children from a first relationship, couples in live in relationships with at least one long term relationship behind them.

These people are not relationship novices - they have all spent some years in committed relationships working on how to communicate, solve conflict and most were in relatively contented sexual relationships. What could we tell them that they didn't already know?

As the weekend progressed and we wrestled in discussion over communication skills, the influence of the families we come from and previous relationships, matters of gender difference (or not!) and dealing with intimacy, it struck me that one of the useful things we were doing was providing a road map about the pitfalls in relationships related to different stages, and some tools to deal with the inevitable frictions that could occur.

Some were in Stage 1, the "Romance or Fantasy Stage", which research shows as lasting about 6 months to 2 years. This is the stage when everything is wonderful, couples can't spend enough time with each other, and individual faults are not even seen. Defences are down and the openness this produces allows the couple to "fall in love". The body is producing large amounts of endorphins which means they are feeling unusually happy, positive and excited about life.

Some had entered the Disillusionment or Facing Reality stage (Stage 2). The production of endorphins is down and the feelings of euphoria are lessening. Each other's shortcomings are both being noticed and acknowledged, but there is enough goodwill left over from the Romance stage, that these are tolerated. For many, this seeping in of reality is gradual, but it can be a sudden confrontation over a particular let down.

In Stage 3, the Power Struggle stage, the feelings of disillusionment from Stage 2 intensify, and whilst conflict is still seen as a "bad thing", fights start over small annoyances to set boundaries in the relationship. Some couples get stuck at this stage, constantly fighting over the setting of boundaries and disliked behaviours. In order to move past this, couples must learn to face conflict and reach negotiated resolutions. This is a stage when many couples break up or move towards divorce.

However, if successfully negotiated, couples can move onto Stage 4, the Stability or Friendship Stage, where they develop deeper feelings of connection, trust and love. Most differences can be resolved, personal difference is not seen as so threatening, but a sense of loss can be experienced as the reality of their partner not being perfect is acknowledged and accepted. Early feelings of excitement are traded for deeper feelings of friendship and love: some outside activities are resumed which were given up during the Romance stage. The danger in this stage is of drifting apart and becoming bored with one's partner; effort must be made to keep the relationship fun and fresh in some way.

Only 5% of couples make it to the final stage - the Acceptance or Real Love stage. Here both partners truly know and love their partner, warts and all. Couples are not together because they need the other, but because they have chosen to be with them, despite and/or because of their weaknesses. They have faced and overcome challenges together, they are best friends. They genuinely love each other, act in each other's best interests, and have a common view of the relationship that allows for each other's individuality and has a sense of future direction.

Helping couples recognise where they are in this journey firstly assists in normalising the struggle they are experiencing, and highlights what it is they need to be working on. Helping a couple in the Romance stage to accept that maybe the future won't be quite a rosy as where they are now, may protect them from total disillusionment when it actually happens!

We do hope and pray that we have sent our participants home with a road map they will find useful when they hit the bumps along the journey of building relationship, and that they get to and remain in Stage 5.