The Sydney Diocese is preparing to announce a raft of incentives and training measures to help fill critical voids in some of the city's richest, but most neglected parishes.

A briefing provided to Sydneyanglicans.net has come in the wake of concerns raised by Southern Cross columnist John Sandeman that record numbers of Moore College graduates consider "" the rich are just too hard to reach."

"There is a real stigma about anywhere close to the beach," Mr Sandeman observes.

"One rich area of Sydney finds it so hard to get ministers it is known as "the valley of death'."

A high-level diocesan official has confirmed that various Anglican departments are involved in the development of what is being called the "Eye of the Needle Initiative' (ENI).
The outreach initiative will include a significant expansion of the Moore College and Ministry, Training and Development curricula.

"A bold initiative like ENI will obviously require serious investment on the diocese part," the briefing official says.

"But no price is too great to pay for the sake of a soul."

Ministry Training and Development staff are concerned with the deepening divide between ministry graduates and Sydney's affluent residents.

Postgraduate courses on "How to Speak Better' and "First Impression Evangelism' addressing how ministry staff present themselves and the gospel are under consideration.
"Frankly, smart casual just doesn't cut it in some of the established suburbs we're hoping graduates will consider working in," the briefing official says.

Moore College will add a cultural appreciation unit aimed at helping students understand the pressures bearing on the city's wealthy elite.

The course outline for "Money In Networks Integration' (MINI) will include a thorough understanding of the Bible's position on wealth, as well as art appreciation, opera and an understanding of fine wines.

Defending this use of time in the face of more traditional course work, the diocese has responded that: "We understand that Jesus said "Blessed are the poor', but that doesn't mean the rich are of no value to the Kingdom."

Mr Sandeman agrees, suggesting there is a real prejudice against lawyers in the diocese.

"You hardly see them at church or at synod where a few of them would be useful. It’s that stuff about scribes and Pharisees I guess."

Steps designed to build new bridges between the diocese and the city's impoverished rich include a range of new recommended expenses for church workers.

"The Stipends and Allowances Committee will shortly be submitting the "Ministry Expenses & New Incentives (MENI)' bill to Standing Committee," the diocese' briefing officer has revealed.

"It will ask Synod to consider approving an extra special range of expenses for ministry staff including a re-think on the traditional car allowances with the goal of providing staff with the sort of vehicles that will help them to be taken seriously among affluent parishioners " entry-level BMWs and the like."

"Four-cylinder vehicles and people movers will obviously be excluded, though of course anything that has 4WD will be given special consideration."

The boldest move for ENI will be the appointment of a Ministry Location Officer (MO), beginning in 2009, who will oversee a points scheme to encourage young graduates to consider filling challenging positions.

"People can talk about partnerships with the expanding west all they like," says one senior minister who has chosen to remain nameless.

"But we've been struggling to fill the position of crèche worker for our 8.00 am prayer book service for six months, all because of the perception six staff members is "over-servicing'."

"The Eye of the Needle Initiative is about being all things to all people so that we might hope to win a very particular few," the diocese's briefing officer explains.

"Now that we've identified the problem, we hope our ENI, MENI, MINI, MO approach will see the right ministers connecting with the right churches."

We hope you have enjoyed Your.sydneyanglicans.net's satirical take on ministry for April Fool's Day. Our regular news service will resume tomorrow.

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