Some years ago when I do was doing a presentation on relationships, my husband and I were chatting over what we saw as key attributes of good relationships and came up with three qualities we had noticed in relationships which were going well - loyalty, respect and friendship.
Beginning with loyalty this week - such a deliciously old fashioned word! With my pommie heritage it conjures up for me pictures of soldiers in full armour arriving at the local castle to pledge alliegance to the king of their region, being prepared to give up their day to day life and fight in the next battle!
The Oxford Compact Dictionary (OCD) has this definition of the word loyal:
"Showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.”
This sentiment is echoed in the wording of the vows in the marriage service in BCP:
"Wilt thou, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him/her, as long as you both shall live?"
As our society moves further away from a community basis to one based on individuality, the idea that one might be loyal to another ahead of self interest is unusual and counter-cultural. Yet it is deeply embedded in the Christian world view, most simply outlined in Jesus restatement of the commandment "love your neighbour as yourself" (Matthew 22:39).
Another word we often hear when people talk about forming relationships is the question of whether they are committed or not. In the trusty Oxford, commitment is:
"Dedication to a cause or policy or an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action."
They are fine words which indicate there is a level of sacrifice in the commitment, but this definition does not seem to imply the constancy or the personal nature of loyalty. Perhaps loyalty to someone has an additional component that commitment alone does not adequately describe? Commitment, as it is used commonly, implies the individual making a decision that seems more about their willingness to commit themselves to something, and less about the object of their commitment. Whereas loyalty is more clearly directed to the "person or institution".
What does this mean in practice? How do we show our loyalty to our friends, partners and spouses? Here are some ideas to think through in your relationships:
* Support your friend or spouse, especially in company. How easy is it to tease and make fun of those close to us when in company.
* After your relationship with God, give of your best to your spouse. They shouldn't just get the dregs after all other demands on you. Determining the right amount of time and energy to put into a friendship, though, may be less clear than with a spouse.
* At times, supporting and staying in a relationship will be costly to your own personal interests.
* Remembering to put your spouse before your family you grew up in.
* God calls us variously to minister to people in our lives: husbands to wives, wives to husbands, and in other relationships such as work colleagues and church members. This may cost us as put our own interests aside in order to minister to the other.
As I read over this list, I know it challenges me to consider the degree of loyalty I display in my close relationships - what about you?
