When parents separate, there is usually a high level of emotional turmoil, pain and sadness for each parent. I think this would be particularly so for Christian parents who know that God's intention is for marriages to survive. There may be feelings of disappointment, failure and guilt. The fact remains that Christian parents sometimes separate. It's important that parents remember the needs of their children during this very difficult time.

According to the ABS, nearly 50,000 children will experience the effects of family breakdown resulting from separation and divorce each year. Separation and divorce are crises involving loss, grief and change and are stress-inducing events for both parents and children. The impact on separating partners makes men and women more at risk for physical and emotional problems. Separation and divorce also affects the couple's relationship as parents and the way in which they fulfil their parental functions (Baum, 2003). Adults often feel less able to perform their parental roles effectively for a time after divorce.

During and after their parents' separation, children will normally experience pain and sadness, sometimes shock, disbelief and anger. Some will fantasise that their parents will reconcile or blame themselves for the separation. Some divorced parents are able to collaboratively co-parent their children while others are in perpetual conflict over their children. In spite of the fact that children will normally experience pain and sadness, pain can heal eventually. One of the most important messages for parents to hear is that it is the exposure to ongoing conflict between the parents that damages the children, not the separation itself.

Here are some suggestions for parents to take note of about their children during such an emotionally demanding time.

1. Recognise that they are under pressure, and find support and help for themselves. Fellow Christians need to be supportive to separating parents but be careful not to pass judgment as only the two parents know the intimate details of their relationship.

2. Parents need to try as much as possible to keep the conflict out of their parenting relationship with their children. The aim is to work together collaboratively to co-parent their children. Some parents adopt a business-like relationship.

3. Separating parents need to focus on the needs of their children during this time as the literature suggests that because of the emotional upheaval that the parent is experiencing the danger is that they will be less emotionally available to their children. Children can sometimes find support from extended family members, a school counsellor or a trusted friend who will be available as an emotional support to the child when their parent is not as emotionally available. Parents can facilitate this support.

4. Parents most definitely need to explain to their children that the children are not to blame in any way for their parents' separation.

We know that the God of the Bible understands divorce and the pain of it. He himself divorced the hard-hearted, stiff-necked people of Israel who turned their backs on Him (Jeremiah 3:8). In that sense God Himself was a reluctant 'divorcee'. Let's make sure that we as a Christian community provide as much sensitive prayerful support for the children of separating parents as we do for the adults involved.