A few years ago I was standing at the sideline watching my daughter play netball and a fellow parent and friend of mine made a passing observation to me, "You know I thought I'd be a lot better off financially at this stage of my life than I am right now." I know this guy, his wife and his children well.  I thought about what he said and replied, "I think you are probably a lot richer in relationships than a lot of people are."

This friend has chosen throughout his life to invest time, energy and interest in his family. He has 'currency' with his kids. Not just because he's watched them play sport or watched them perform in concerts or plays, but because they know he loves them and he has demonstrated this love by taking a genuine interest in their activities and spending time with them.

A relationship with your teenager gives you currency with them. You will have a much better chance of having an influence in their lives if you have that currency. And you need to work at developing and maintaining your relationship with your adolescent children even when times are tough. How you grow the currency for each child will vary, but you must love them and then show them that you love them.

In Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, he says that parents can learn to express their love in a way that will convey their love most effectively to their adolescent. Some adolescents want you to spend time with them. Others would much prefer a hug or some kind words. Others really appreciate a thoughtful gift or a kind deed.

How does your adolescent feel loved by you? Sometimes it's hard to read what they need. Chapman says that most people have a primary love language. They might not like the constant hugs you give them but would really appreciate you telling them how well they are doing, or love you to spend some time with them doing something they enjoy. The way you like to receive love may not be their preferred way.

Sometimes you just need to ask them what they like.