A few weeks ago I wrote a short blog asking how we can better support single women in church, especially those over the age of 30. I was deluged with responses, and it became clear to me that we are not doing a good job in this area. I’ve decided to share just a few of these comments, to help everyone understand the special burdens these women carry, and to encourage us to think about how we can better meet their needs.

Feeling alienated at church was a common experience -

“I used to wonder why a lot of the single women disappeared from church once they reached their mid 30s. I am now at the age where I understand why. I often feel like the freak no one wants to talk to at church…”

“I don’t think there is a conspiracy against singles. I think people just don't think about them, which makes them feel invisible or unwanted because they are in the minority.”

“I don't want to be left standing all by myself after church or have people walk away from me when I try and start a conversation with them.”

Another theme was social isolation -

“It is so painfully lonely not fitting in and feeling socially worthless, particularly when you hear about all the social gatherings that go on, none of which you ever receive an invitation to. It is awful.”

“It is really hard to continue going to church when every week you know you will be left out after the meeting. It is painful watching friends greet each other and give out invites and be all happy and together.”

“I am looking for a little bit of love from my Christian community, but instead I feel like a leper… I never get invited anywhere.”

“People think that you must be busy Friday and Saturday nights, and the reality is, that you’re sitting at home in front of the TV…”

“I have not met any single person in their 30s who is not really hurting… Get to your mid 30s, when all your friends are married, the reality is that while your married friends' social network is rapidly expanding, the single persons' network is rapidly diminishing.”

One woman shared the devastating effect prolonged singleness had on her self-esteem -

“Let’s approach an issue here that hasn’t been raised, which I think makes single people very sensitive and escalates things our problems - our lack of self esteem. [It is] the knowledge that no one thinks I am truly awesome enough to marry. No one finds me sexy. No one wants my love. No one one wants to know everything about me. No one wants to share their deepest needs with me. No one is there to hug late at night when I’m hurting. No one is there to help me out when I need it. No one is there to share the pain of being childless. No one to express my sexuality with, and believe me, I am about to explode from sexual desire.”

This is only a brief selection from well over 100 comments. There is much, much more, so please read the whole thing. Then please think about practical ways you can help these hurting women.

Further Reading

Single Women (my original blog post)

Radical Womanhood (The blog of Carolyn McCulley, single woman guru)

Girl Talk (they’ve recently done a blog series on single women)