On Valentine’s Day last week we were assaulted with the usual advertising exhorting us to buy a card/chocolate/roses/pink diamonds. (My husband and I made it to the card level!) The talk was of romance and finding, or being committed to, one’s true love. Today, in the western world, being “in love” with someone is seen as an essential pre requisite for a long term, committed relationship.

The media make it all so simple, yet we know it’s not, as the depressing divorce statistics show us: the number of children growing up in single parent households attest to the difficulties of sustaining a long term relationship.

I will never forget a very sad situation that I came across very early in my counselling ministry: a young woman, only weeks away from her marriage to a lovely young Christian man from her church, weeping in my counselling room as she made the agonising resolution to call off the wedding. Never mind the awkwardness and difficulty of cancelling what can seem like a  run away train so close to the actual date of the marriage, there was the painful conversation that she had to have with him, telling him that he was not the one for her.  

I met her again some years later: she was happily married, and she thanked me for being with her and supporting her for what she later came to see as definitely the right choice for her.

I know only too well that this is not a unique story: others will tell of having called off a wedding, and years later still regretting the choice. For some a postponement is what they need, to spend some time making sure they are confident about what they are doing.

So when it appears that a number of people are only coming to the realisation that they are unsure about their decision at this late stage, how do we help people contemplating this commitment to feel confident about what they are doing?

It is only comparatively recently that the idea that intense romantic love is a necessary part of the selection process of a life long mate. The whole idea of romantic love originated with the courtly troubadours wandering minstrels who provided relief from the surrounding brutalities of life, with songs about the mythology of a perfect love. Still in many countries today, where marriage is often more about cementing the social glue of the community, arranged marriages are common. The contract is based on more practical reasons, such as power and poverty.

Being “in love” is an intense, energising experience, in which the focus of our love is seen in a heightened, and positively distorted, light. The being in love state can be measured through changes in various biological indices, and researchers report it lasts from six months to about two years. Whilst we are in this somewhat unusual position, we decide about our life long partner. Jansen & Newman in “How to Build an Enduring Relationship” describe the advantages of this as being that it encourages people to really appreciate and put the other person first, that it provides a place of feeling joy, significance and delight in living, and also provides foundation for the formation of a committed loving relationship. However they warn of the dangers for those who are in some way emotionally needy, whose underlying unhealthy neediness for intimacy, boosting in self esteem or bondin,g drives their ability to fall in love.

Hence the need for good marriage preparation, where a couple can prayerfully examine, with a trained and wise person, their decision to marry each other and test their resolution.

But what of those who have been through this process, and yet still at a later date come to doubt their decision? This is the tricky part where quantifying an answer seems impossible. For many, the choice to marry is supported by being in love, seeking God’s guidance, backed up by an examination of the couple’s lives for compatibility in a majority of life areas. Finally, there seems to be a deep, intuitive knowing that this is the right person to marry. Whilst there may be some last minute wondering about the enormity of the action they are about to undertake, there is enough sense of peace that they can take the step. Their sense of assurance about their decision is enough to let them embark on what has to be a journey of faith and commitment, knowing they cannot predict what they will face during a lifelong partnership.