I don’t think I have met anyone who thinks that their church isn’t welcoming to all people. But sometimes statistics remind us of both our human frailty, and the experience of people who are in dark places.
Recent (albeit small-scale) research in Australia showed that people’s feeling of engagement at church after a divorce went down 33 per cent. Feeling encouraged/invited to participate dropped by 38 per cent and feeling welcomed went down 40 per cent. The research also revealed that one in five divorcees left the church they were in and 5 per cent left the church entirely. These results are largely replicated in a small US study, which showed that 33 per cent moved churches and 19 per cent left the church entirely.
The comments behind the statistics show that while the experience for some has been supportive and loving, there are an equal number of comments relating to feelings of isolation, feeling judged, investigated, disconnected and treated as though, in divorce, they had committed an unforgivable sin.
In Australia, 12 per cent of the population is separated or divorced, but in our church – according to National Church Life Survey data – the figure drops to 6 per cent. To some degree we would expect the number to be different. We view marriage differently, after all. A 50 per cent difference from the rest of society either suggests that we are amazing at supporting people in their marriages, or our churches are not commonly viewed as places for divorced and separated people.
There can be little things, an offhand comment that seems innocuous but can make the divorced person feel out of place. Any comments that allude to another person in your life, like “Just you this morning?” can be unsettling.
These comments are friendly, even bland. They’re a way of engaging in conversation when you don’t really know what to say. But it can make a divorced person feel uncomfortable. It might be too soon. It might make you feel embarrassed, especially if you’re with your kids. It might be a small emotional stab. A brittle reminder of what you no longer have or a subtle sign that your place in church is defined by your marital status.
It is hard to walk into church. You feel conspicuous. The majority of members are married (65 per cent, according to the NCLS) and so churches can be geared towards couples – with or without kids. That can create a subconscious bias from which well-intentioned but distressing words or deeds can flow.
Be ready to welcome
Self-reflection for frontline teams can be a great opportunity to identify whether their church culture might be geared towards married families. To allow the team to think and discuss ideas to show everyone that they are welcome and loved helps members to contextualise their serving. For example, if a single mum or dad has to watch their kids and so can’t leave to go to the morning tea table, offer to bring them a cup of tea. That simple act communicates that you see them, you understand their situation and you love them as part of God’s family.
Overall, the culture of a church comes from its senior minister and sometimes what a person thinks about divorce can become conflated with how one treats a divorcee. A minister does not need to preach on divorce for people to pick up on whether the church is a safe or welcoming space for them.
How marriage and divorce are talked about are key. If marriage is exalted as the greatest good in any way, if marital problems are preached as something that can be prayed away or if divorce is implied to be a failure, all can combine to make a divorcee feel less of a person. This is the kind of culture where judgement can be quietly implied. It can feel as though a person is being investigated, so the church can judge whether you were sinful or sinned against. This is the kind of vibe that drives divorcees to the shadows, or away from the church altogether.
We need to rediscover the art of separating what our theology tells us about divorce from how Christlike compassion informs how we love people. We can exercise our orthodoxy without removing our humanity. We should not condemn where Christ has saved, and we have an opportunity to enrich our pastoral care of divorcees within the church and be a place of welcome and support to divorcees in our community.
Pastoral care is local and contextual. Ministers, pastoral carers and Bible study leaders particularly have a role to play in helping divorced people feel that they are loved and welcomed as full members of the family of God.
Be aware of “the vibe” of the church. Would divorcees see and know that the Christ crucified that is preached from the pulpit is also Christ crucified for them personally – a truth they see evidenced in how people in the church speak and behave towards them? We have the ability and responsibility to support our divorced brothers and sisters in their walk with Jesus and help them feel like full members of the family of God.
This is also a wonderful opportunity to be a witness to those around us in our communities. Our churches should be havens for the broken and, while divorce rates are so high, we want our churches to be one of the first places people can look to when they are in a dark place. But also, we want everyone to know that they matter and they belong in the family of God – not just belong to God but belong to each other as brothers and sisters in Christ.
This article is based on issues raised at the Single Minded live seminar “Divorced men and women matter in the family of God” held in June. For a recording of the seminar see https://singleminded.vhx.tv/products
