A Wollongong Caravan and Cabin Park is not the most romantic place in the world, but this was the location chosen a couple of weeks ago for a collection of relationship counsellors to study and learn more about sexual intimacy. We were challenged to remember Year 10 biology classes, filling in the labels on diagrams of male and female sexual anatomy, and stretched as we were invited to learn how to take each other's sexual histories (think about doing that with your colleagues!).
For many couples attending relationship counselling, talking about their sexuality and physical relationship with their spouse is difficult and embarrassing, and yet a loving sexual relationship with our spouse is the place where we may experience some of the most profound feelings in our whole lives. Surely something as important as this deserves some attention.
In church the most open talk about sexuality relates to physical relationships in youth and young adult ministry, with a focus on how to abstain, remain pure and practise celibacy. In my social group, our physical relationships would rarely be raised as a topic at barbeque get togethers, or even in the intimacy of the all female "having a coffee" group.
David Schnarch is a sex therapist and writer who is not afraid to tackle and talk about sexuality in marriage. In his book "Passionate Marriage" he focuses on the issue of sustaining emotional intimacy and a growing passion in sexual connection in long term relationships. He does not simply advocate romantic dinners, candles in bedrooms and other "romance inducing" behaviours: conversely he argues that such romantic weekends away can simply serve to mask what are the underlying difficulties in sexual intimacy.
Instead Schnarch emphasises the degree to which a person has "differentiated" as being the key to growing and deepening sexual intimacy in marriage. Differentiation is "your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others - especially as they become increasingly important to you".
The opposite of differentiation, "fusion", occurs when someone cannot cope with their spouse's disapproval/disagreement and needs their approval, so they shape themselves to match their spouse, focusing on shared matters and downplaying differences. This can work temporarily, but in time resentments can arise and a vague but growing sense of not really being honest, or hiding from one's partner develops.
Eventually all the easy accommodations have been made, and a couple can become stalled at a point where they are both unwilling either to compromise or to confront themselves. This is the point in marriages where boredom can set in, in a context of lack of emotional intimacy, low sexual desire and petty arguments. Paradoxically, in long term marriages where couples become more important as a reference point to each other, the more at risk the couple are of reaching "gridlock". They fail to truly be themselves, and instead accommodate the other, thus reducing intimacy.
Schnarch contends that recognising a couple has reached "gridlock" has the benefit of challenging them to look at their respective levels of differentiation.
"If you want to keep desire and intimacy alive in your marriage, your continued differentiation must keep pace with your partner's increasing importance."
Increasing one's level of differentiation involves an ability to maintain our own sense of self worth and identity when revealing ourselves, with no expectation of acceptance from the other. In Schnarch's world, this is a product of "one's relationship with oneself": in our Christian world, we can additionally rely on our identity in Christ as a foundation for our self worth and an ability to know who we are and be confident in that.
So it would seem that "keeping sexual passion alive" is less about candles and champagne, but more about knowing and being confident in who we are, and being able to share that with our spouse. It sounds simple, but in my experience it is a lot harder in practice!
