A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege to attend the "Safe as Churches" ecumenical conference in Adelaide concerning sexual misconduct in the church. "Forgiveness" was a topic covered in a plenary address one day. In the context of sexual abuse within the church, this is a subject of both import and poignancy: however there is a weight to this matter in the context of committed relationships as well. As Christians, we can bandy the word "forgiveness" around apparently without too much thought. I believe that sometimes we talk so much about God's forgiveness of our sins, that we fail to give true regard to the cost of such forgiveness. We can be seduced into distraction by being horrified so much by Christ's agony on the cross, that we fail to see that this scene has anything to do with us.
In the counselling room, sometimes I am honoured to see a person bearing the cost of their sin to their partner, particularly in relation to marital infidelity, and the cost that that places on their life partner, their "beloved". There are numerous books, both Christian and secular, on whether a marriage can survive an affair. Those of us who have not been tortured by such an event can easily say to the betrayed, "Of course you can forgive your spouse, with God's help". Isn't that what scripture tells us to do, that we must forgive the offender not just once, but seventy times seven? (Matt 18: 21, 22)
How does one forgive one's spouse for such a terrible betrayal? What does it cost us to move to that place of forgiveness? What I have noticed over the years of working with such trauma is that forgiveness needs to be offered slowly, and can only be offered after the betrayed has realised the full extent of the pain of the assault and communicated that clearly to the betrayer.
We are tempted by society to "start afresh", to "move on", but following such advice does not allow full expression of the effects of the "sin", and hence does not allow for full forgiveness of the "sinner" by the injured party, let alone by their Lord and Saviour. For the wounded one, facing the depth of the pain caused by their spouse has a cost in itself - they too would surely prefer not to face the enormity of what has happened in their relationship. However, I am convinced that it is only in the full acknowledgment of the extent of damage and wounding, and acceptance of responsibility for that by the betrayer, that the path to reconciliation and rebuilding of trust can begin.
Recognising that we are all frail beings, I pray that my husband and I will not have to face this situation. However, sitting with couples as they attempt the long and hard road to rebuilding their relationship after such disruption, I realise that there is a way to forgiveness, a costly way, demonstrated to us by Christ's death on the cross.
