I have just glanced through Kevin Leman's book, 'Have a New Kid by Friday' (2008, Revell, Grand Rapids, Mich). What strikes me is that many of the themes are echoed in the 1-2-3 Magic course that I teach here at Anglicare. There are differences in the strategies recommended but the focus is the same.
The main message is that you, the parent, should be in charge in your home. No longer should we be so child-focused in our parenting that we pander to children, giving them what they want for the sake of peace. This includes driving them where they want to go and when they want to go for the sake of peace, rescuing them from the consequences of not doing their homework by 'helping them' i.e. almost doing it for them.
Leman says we parents should not tolerate cheekiness and if we follow his guiding principles, our kids will experience consequences when they are disobedient or cheeky or are caught lying or cheating or hurting others. He urges us to simply refuse to drive them to their friends house or refuse to give them pocket money or some other consequence. We should be parenting for 'the long haul' to build character and shape attitude and behaviour. There are no warnings as 9 times out of 10, the kids know when they are doing the wrong thing. You are to be the authoritative responsible parent rather than the autocratic or permissive one. In order to have this kind of leverage with your children, your kids will need to know they belong in your family, that they are accepted as they are and that you are encouraging their competence.
Parents, he sets very high standards for you too. As a parent he says you need to be 100 percent consistent in your behaviour, always following through with what you said you would do. You will never threaten your kids or get angry and don't give warnings and don't think the misbehaviour will go away.
This new way of parenting challenges the idea that a child's self esteem may be irreparably damaged if they experience hardship or embarrassment or miss out on an activity as a consequence of naughty behaviour. It also challenges us to take the long view, not the peace at any cost method of parenting.
The language used in these parenting books and courses is also different.
Dr Tom Phelan of 1-2-3 Magic fame refers to children as 'little critters' who are not born unselfish and reasonable but unreasonable and selfish. Dr Kevin Leman writes 'Making a child feel good is easy. Just give him everything he wants when he wants it. But if you do, that hedonistic little sucker takes over and turns into an adolescent big sucker. He'll give you a run for your money with his expectations.' I cringe sometimes at the colourful language from these writers, but I get the point.
The pendulum is swinging back. Hopefully not to the 'children should be seen and not heard era' where dad ruled with an iron rod but to a middle ground where children are loved unconditionally but given the opportunity to deal with the consequences of their behaviour and not tiptoed around in case their self-esteem is damaged.
I think it fits with Christian values. What do you think?
