‘Dazza’s’ story
I had always believed in God, but did not do much more than believe. I went to Sunday School when I was young, and attended Scripture classes at infants and primary school, but never went to a regular church service.
I used to watch a cartoon show on TV on Sunday mornings, and after the cartoon show finished a televangelism program called "Hour of Power" would begin. The "Hour of Power" was held at the Crystal Cathedral in California. The Cathedral is an impressive building, made of glass with gardens and fountains, and glass doors that open to a huge car park where people worship from their cars.
I would watch the start of the program every week, then switch off after the first song to go surfing. One day I started to watch the whole program, and liked the gospel message that Jesus died to save me. I decided to attend my local Anglican church and get involved in it.
I became a Christian in my last year of school, when I was 18. I enjoyed my time at church, and became a youth group leader with the hope of meeting a lady youth group leader, getting married, and making our own youth group. However, there was a huge obstacle to this dream. I was gay.
Looking back, I could see why my homosexuality was going to develop. My father was an alcoholic who abused my mother and neglected the family. I never had a proper father/son relationship. When I was about eight or nine years old, I was sexually molested by a man who lived in the neighbourhood, and the molestation continued for a few years.
After the molestation ceased I had strong desires for male sex. When I was thirteen, I commenced a gay relationship with a school friend who was a couple of years ahead of me. This relationship lasted for a few years, and ended when he moved from the area.
The relationship had continued after I became a Christian.
After it ended I did not see anyone for a few years. I knew that my homosexual actions were wrong, but I could not control my desires. I prayed that my desire would go away but it didn't. Masturbation on a daily basis became my release from sexual tension as I entertained my fantasies.
After a few years of not seeing anyone, I met a gay man and we became boyfriends in an on-again/off-again relationship over a period of ten years. Frequently on Friday nights after youth group we would get together, or we would get together on Saturday nights and I would leave on Sunday morning and go home to prepare for high school youth group that evening. I was entrenched in my homosexuality despite all my praying. I thought that I would change if I got married.
Due to circumstances at my local church, I decided to leave, and tried other churches. I visited a few, but none appealed to me. I stopped going to church but still remained a Christian.
However I still struggled with my homosexuality, no matter how much I tried to resist it. It just didn't make sense. If I am gay then I can't be Christian. If I'm Christian then I can't be gay. There were days when I was fine being gay, and there were days when I loathed it.
There were days when I felt like I was being ripped apart as I thought about the conflict of being gay and Christian. I would wake up in the morning with the sky blue, the sun shining brightly and the birds twittering. "It's going to be a beautiful day", I would think to myself and then the realization would hit me: "I'm still gay". Then I would drag myself out of bed and face the day as a gay man.
The thought of waking up like this every day for the rest of my life was depressing. One day I was thinking of how overwhelmed I was by my troubles, and the thought of suicide entered my mind. I was shocked at myself for thinking this way, and about a month later I nearly drowned in a boating accident. The accident gave me a strong awareness of how precious life is and that I should appreciate it. As I lay in bed at the hospital, I couldn't help but think that this accident was from God, as if he was telling me, "Do you really want to have no life?"
A couple of months after the boating accident I went on holiday, and realized how lonely I was. I was not seeing my boyfriend at this time, and on my return from holiday I subscribed to a gay phone meeting service in the hope of finding "Mr Right".
Prior to this I had visited a gay sex venue a few times in about 12 months, and I had for several years been going infrequently to a nude beach where the gay scene was prominent, in order to meet other men. I had many casual encounters, but nothing lasted for more than a few weeks as I was scared of being found out.
One day, one of my best friends found out I was gay, and he told me that he was too. He had heard my message on the gay phone meeting service. It took me many months to get used to the idea that he knew, but eventually being gay became easier, knowing one of my best friends was also gay. We told each other our stories and would justify and affirm each other in our homosexuality.
I did not want to accept being gay, so I bought my first book on the topic: Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth by Jeffrey Satinover. It explained that homosexuality is changeable.
I came out to a Christian friend. I had been his youth group leader for many years, and as he became older he and I would co-lead the groups. He did not condemn me, but showed sympathy for me. I told him how the confusion I felt was like being in the middle of a maze, not knowing which direction to go. I was also too scared to go in any direction. The book I was reading was giving me hope, but this hope was short lived"”I recommenced seeing my boyfriend. Changing seemed impossible.
My gay best friend encouraged me to attend a gay men's coming out group. He had been attending the group for several months, and he said it helped him to deal with his homosexuality.
It was a drop-in emotional support group for gay men in the closet. They could attend and talk about the process of informing friends and family of their homosexuality, as well as learning about the different aspects of gay life. I used to think that I was the only Christian in the world struggling with homosexuality, but whilst attending the group I met other Christians who were gay. It made me feel better meeting the gay Christians, because I began to think that homosexuality and Christianity were compatible.
However, there were many times at the group when I expressed my frustration at being gay, and my desire to be straight. The group would console me for the way I was feeling but could offer no real help. They would talk about how they came to terms with their homosexuality, saying "Once gay, always gay" and "You were born gay. Accept it."
I started to read books on pro-gay theology which were recommended to me by men in the group. Stranger at the Gate is an autobiography by Mel White, in which he writes about his struggles as a gay man living in a Christian environment. He eventually becomes a minister in a gay church.
Bishop John Shelby Spong, a heterosexual Episcopalian in the USA, writes in his book, Living in Sin? that homosexuality should be recognized within the church. Reading these books made me think that being gay and Christian could be compatible. At last I felt that after many years of struggling, I no longer needed to. I decided that I would go to the gay church, meet the man of my dreams, have a gay marriage and live gaily ever after.
It was a couple of weeks after I commenced going to the coming out group that a Christian friend, a mutual friend of my Christian friend whom I had come out to, asked me if I would like to attend his church. I had told him a few months earlier that I was not attending a church. After being out of church for 18 months, I started to attend another Anglican church. I would go to the coming out group on Sunday afternoons, then attend church after the group, and would continue "husband-hunting' by attending gay venues and beats at other times of the week.
After I decided to accept my homosexuality in the understanding that it was compatible with Christianity, I rang up to find out the service times and meeting place of a gay church, but I never went to a service. I realized I did not want the watered-down pro-gay theology. I wanted the Truth, and I was more determined than ever to leave my homosexual past.
I was no longer attached to anyone, as I had broken up with my boyfriend several months before, and the man I was seeing had gone overseas for a long period of time. I had the chance to break free from homosexuality, but after going down several pathways of the maze that I was in, I found that I was back in the middle of the maze again, and unsure of how to go about leaving homosexuality.
I went to my friend who had invited me to his church, and told him that I did not want to be gay, and that I had thought of attending the gay church but I no longer wanted watered-down pro-gay theology. I told him I wanted the Truth. I told him how lost and confused I was, and that I did not know what to do about my problem. He had been to a Christian men's conference earlier in the year, where the gay issue was brought up. He was able to get me the phone number of an organization which could help. He, like my other friend, didn't condemn me, but offered support, encouragement and prayers. He gave me the phone number for Liberty Christian Ministries Inc.
I spoke to someone from Liberty and they told me their story. I was told about the support groups and the need to see a counsellor, and it was recommended I read Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas. I went along to a church to hear a talk by Liberty. After having contact with Christians, gays, and gay Christians, this was the first time I realized that there were ex-gay Christians.
I commenced counselling and attending the Liberty support group eleven months ago. The Liberty support group has been extremely helpful, and I have nearly completed my second group. The video tapes by Sy Rogers have been good as I have been able to learn so much about myself and why I became gay.
Things started to make sense as I realized that I was having my same-sex needs met in an improper way, and learned how to have my same-sex needs met in a wholesome way. Receiving and giving support from the small group is helpful. We can talk openly and candidly about the issues that are confronting us, without feeling condemned. Talking about my personal life has been hard, but relating to the other members has allowed me to develop trust in people, which is something that I could not do previously.
Counselling sessions have been painful. It has not been easy to talk about my past, and of the shame I felt for being molested, as I blamed myself for the molestation. There have been many times at counselling when I have broken down and cried, and in between sessions I have cried myself to sleep as I worked through the hurts and pain of my past. Counselling has also been joyful. Dealing with the different aspects of my past has allowed me to be released from shame and guilt, and much healing has taken place.
A couple of gay friends were concerned for my mental wellbeing when I informed them of my decision to leave homosexuality. There has been much conflict between myself and them about homosexuality and its incompatibility with Christianity. At one stage there were weekly confrontations. These gay men were people I knew socially, and I still wanted to be friends with them, as being gay was not the common aspect of our friendship.
The conflict increased when Liberty was slandered in the gay press when they had to cancel their annual conference because of threats from gay militants. I went into damage control as I defended myself, the work of Liberty and Christianity. I put up with much criticism as my gay friends thought I was going to turn into a homophobe. It was a battle to make them realize that the articles about Liberty were full of lies. It made me realize that I needed much more support.
I looked at the congregation of the evening service at my church and thought, "they are part of God's mighty army and I need their support". I told my story to my minister, who was very supportive, and told him what I wanted to do. He gave me the opportunity to give my testimony. There were about 50 people at the service when I did so. Not one of them rejected me, and I received much affirmation on the night. For me it was a relief to tell them about myself, as opposed to them finding out from other people.
My disclosure has helped me become closer to a good number of people. This closeness, trust and honesty in relating to both sexes has been very therapeutic. When there are times that I feel down because of my homosexuality, it is good to be able to tell my fellow Christians and home bible study group so I can be prayed for. My congregation have shown me so much love and respect. I cannot thank God enough for the blessing of these wonderful Christians whom he has placed in my life.
My homosexuality has greatly diminished in the first eleven months, but I am still in the recovery process and may be so for many more years. Although change cannot happen fast enough, I must learn to be patient.
One of the memory verses I learnt when I became a Christian is Isaiah 40:31: "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
I do not know what my future will be, but I look forward to it as I continue to trust in God. Today I am a more positive person, as I am no longer shackled by sexual sin. My relationship with my family, especially my father, has greatly improved. I do look forward to getting married and starting the youth group, but I know that I can be happy in life as a single man too as I maintain a right relationship with God and right relationships with people.
This account has been reproduced with permission from ‘What Some of You Were’, Matthias Media, Sydney, 2001, pp. 49-56. © Matthias Media 2001. To order the book visit the Matthias Media website.
