Recently I heard a sermon about Jesus casting out demons, and in an off-handed comment the preacher quipped that at times he wondered what is harder, casting out demons or controlling a two-year old. At the time his wife was struggling to remove their screaming two year old from the church. Of course we all smiled, but some of us smiled wryly and patiently because we knew of our own struggles with two year olds, twelve year olds and even twenty two year olds.
What he longed for at that moment was a darling little girl, playing quietly at her mother's feet and from time to time gazing lovingly and respectfully up at her father as he preached a powerful (and theologically correct) sermon. Puff! The fantasy vanishes.
No one in that church service should have been surprised. Well-schooled in our Bibles and the 39 articles, we all know the child is depraved, sinful, self-centred and in need of training.
Society struggles with the uncomfortable question of children out of control and behaving badly. The finger is pointed at parents, at schools, at TV and video games, magazines, peer pressure, music, and postmodernism - the list goes on. All the while seeking to blame things outside the child, while we Christians realise the core problem lies within.
Training a child to be good
However, we still have a question to answer: How are we to train children to be 'good'. Proverbs advises us to 'train children in the ways of the Lord, and when they are old, they will not depart from it'. Paul reminds fathers to do this training without exasperating the child.
Veggie tales provides DVDs to watch about the fruit of the Spirit, telling our children to be kind to one another. Popular Australian writers help us with 'The Secret of Happy Children' and promise to show us how to stop tantrums before they start. One Christian writer suggests an outcomes-based approach with an assessment checklist to evaluate the spiritual progress of our children by giving a pass / fail to such things as 'Show kindness to all', 'Be humble', 'Pray constantly', 'Be self-controlled'. All of these training approaches can seem to be helpful, in the short term, because they appear to give results, but ultimately they are unhelpful.
Typically, we revert to a moralising approach. We take the fruits of the Spirit and make cartoons and skits out of them. We role-play kindness and sharing. We punish lying and disobedience. We threaten loss of privileges and we reward good behaviours with money, treats and new possessions. This has been a popular approach, in most of our homes (mine included) because it works, for a time. However, we run the terrible danger of creating little hypocrites and Pharisees whose hearts are sinful but who know how to work the system and look good on the outside.
We know we can't make children good. That change comes about through relationship with God, and the work of the Spirit. It's an elusive and profound change that is out of our control. It's what we pray for and, it's why we share the gospel with our children in age-appropriate ways. It's why we model our own faith and gently encourage children to respond to God. This internal, Spirit-given change is not up to us, but at the same time we need to train our children in behaviours that will help them live well with others, that will reflect the values and attitudes of being a follower of Jesus, and that will help them be good citizens in their world.
We are back to our preacher and his yearning to control a screaming two-year old. How is he to train his little girl to 'be good'?
Keeping the gospel central
The challenge is to keep the gospel central. With children it is particularly important to keep demonstrating forgiveness, grace and a fresh start. This also means we ought not be shocked and traumatised when our children show they are sinful. It will be embarrassing at times, but it's also inevitable. We need to have a realistic attitude about ourselves too, and keep asking: Am I living a gospel-centred and grace-filled life? Our children need to hear us apologise, see us offer forgiveness to one another and watch us seek to please our Heavenly Father.
It's this gospel-oriented approach that will make us distinctive. It will also liberate our children to seek to 'be good' out of gratitude to their heavenly father. It will free them from a burden of guilt at never being able to really live up to what is right. It will hold out the offer of forgiveness. It will seek to honour Jesus rather than the high achieving compliant child.
