Being a single mum in normal life and being a single mum in isolation are quite similar, because being a single mum is, generally, a special kind of isolation. We exist in a bubble with our kids, which is wonderful but also tinged with a hint of torture. What changes between wonderful and torture is not my kids. They are the same fabulous, naughty, creative, kind, mischievous, thoughtful, thoughtless, huggy and constantly hungry little people every day. What changes is my capacity to deal with single parenting.
“The emotional exhaustion is intense sometimes.”
Isolation is tough when some of the difficult elements of normal life are magnified. The emotional exhaustion is intense sometimes. Carrying 100% of the discipline is hard work with nobody to “tag in” to relieve you, especially when heading into the second hour of the bedtime battle. I love it when my kids invite me into their world and tell me about their day, but sometimes it feels like they talk all the time. Having no companion to download my day with afterwards means my brain often feels full.
The challenges are “amplified by isolation”
These are amplified by isolation and become additionally bruising with schooling at home. I work full time so juggling primary school timetables where each activity lasts 15-20 minutes is chaotic. Managing the emotional outbursts (which they wouldn’t do for their teachers but feel safe to do with me) means I am also a sounding board, therapist and mopper-upper for much of the day.
Some days, when my capacity is good, we can cuddle up on the couch at the end of the day and I reflect how wonderfully happy I feel in our little bubble. Other days, when my deadlines have conflicted with meltdowns and troublesome school tasks, I collapse on the couch aching from the centre of my brain and feeling like I was run over by a freight train.
“Some days it’s easy to think that you’re invisible.”
One of the things I find difficult is the perception that, while you can connect via the wonders of technology, at some point, everyone turns back to their families and I….well, it’s just me. Most days that doesn’t bother me. As an introvert I’m quite content pottering about on my own and I genuinely enjoy the company of my kids. But some days it’s easy to think that you’re invisible. On a normal day this can be disheartening. In isolation this can feel like quite a brittle reality.
God is with me always
Where is God in all this? Everywhere. I find the prayer I pray the most is “thank you for our boys” (I’m not sure where but somewhere along the road, “my” became “our” ie mine by gift from God); and, “please help me to parent them well.” By that, I mean in a loving and balanced way – not hiding my emotions from them but not letting my parenting be driven by them.
“God is in the details of our lives. He has blessed me in abundance…”
God is also in the details of our lives. He has blessed me in abundance and when the pandemic came, I was in full time work that (for the moment) is secure, with a company that is caring and flexible and already set up to work at home. I’d even ordered a giant box of toilet paper two weeks before the panic buyers swooped in. In many ways it made me more deeply grateful to God. I am very aware that other single parents are in a far more vulnerable position.
“If something was on in the evening, I was an automatic ‘no’. Now, I am in two Bible study groups...”
It can be hard to anchor myself to him though in the intensity of keeping the day on track. It is a massive blessing that I can now go to Bible study online. If something was on in the evening, I was an automatic “no”. Now, I am in two Bible study groups for extra connection and anchoring in God’s word with God’s people. Our churches have done an amazing job getting everything online. Things are so accessible. I really couldn’t ask for more.
“As difficult as this can be, we are healthy and well. My house is filled with love and laughter.”
Pray for God’s continued provision for single parents (particularly those facing uncertain job prospects), that we would be a blessing to our children and parent them wisely and that God would ease the burdens of the difficult days. I pray in praise often. As difficult as this can be, we are healthy and well. My house is filled with love and laughter. God walks with us daily and he gives me the quiet confidence of hope.
