A newspaper report this week said that many Indian villagers suffer from “hidden hunger” where they are receiving sufficient calories but insufficient fruit and vegetables so their malnutrition is not immediately apparent, but later manifests insidiously in deficiency related diseases.
I see a similar situation in Christian marriages, workplaces and churches where we have hidden disagreements, anger and conflict, which spill out at a later date in a variety of ways. Does this happen because we take too seriously, or misapply, the injunctions to “turn the other cheek”, “in your anger, sin not”? Do we fail to address situations early enough, where we are unhappy about something, in an attempt to treat our Christian brother or sister or spouse well? Do we seemingly cover a bad situation with something that is supposed to be Christian love and charity and think this the right way to relate to other?
What about the wife who submits to her husband’s requests for sexual intimacy repeatedly, when she is finding it painful or difficult, but wants to be a loving wife who recognises her husband’s legitimate request for that? Or the manager who fails to call an employee to task who is creating problems in the workplace, because they know the employee is having great difficulties at home and they want to lovingly support them through that time? Or the Bible study leader who realises that someone is monopolising the discussion time, but knows this person lives alone and this is the only time in the week they get to talk to others, so doesn’t do anything to stop them?
These are all real states of affairs I have encountered over the years, and all have led to serious, and sometimes seemingly irreconcilable, damage to relationships.
Cloud and Townsend in their classic book Boundaries, use the word “boundary” to explain how to know where we begin and end, where our responsibilities lie and where they do not. They draw on Trinitarian understanding around the unique persons of the Godhead as part of the basis for having personal boundaries, and an understanding as to how we can live in Christian community as separate beings in loving relationship with one another.
The examples above highlight events where someone either does not recognise that a boundary has been transgressed, or does know that, and fails to address the transgression, often out of fear. Hence the ability to set a boundary requires that we know what is the right area of responsibility for self, and are prepared to lovingly, but clearly, defend that when it is challenged.
The wife above does not seem to realise that she needs to care for her own body and let her husband know what is happening in the area of sexual intimacy. The manager has prioritised the needs of one worker over the rest of the workplace environment, as has the Bible study leader. In all of these situations, there has been a lack of openness about the events, a shortage of searching for the whole truth about what is happening. Fully knowing and accounting for all interests is necessary for ethical decisions to be made about behaviour.
By ignoring the negative results of someone’s behaviour, we are also stopping them from making informed choices about how to be. The husband has been barred from making a fully informed choice about his requests for intimacy to his wife.
Oscar Wilde said “A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal” – I’m afraid I would disagree with him. We have to be sincere and truthful in relationships so that we can face and deal with things, even when it hurts.
