It takes everyone in a church to stop a destructive gossip culture from being fed. However Christians have a secret weapon in the battle against gossip " God.

We've all heard sermons on "taming the tongue' and they quite rightly give gossiping a serve. But apart from saying we mustn't gossip, not much else is said.

Part of the problem is that we don't take gossip very seriously- unless of course we're the subject of it.

When I started researching this topic, I assumed I understood gossiping. But as I started to reflect, questions came to mind: Does the information need to be malicious to qualify as gossip? Could I pass on "news' about other people " engagements, sicknesses, births " basic facts that were true? Surely giving an unfavourable reference isn't gossip? Or telling a mother that I thought their child was not safe with a particular person?

Then I wondered if it was OK to pass on information that was in the public domain. A minister had an affair and has been stood down. It was announced in church: does it matter who I tell?
The Bible doesn't give one tight definition of what gossiping is.

But it refers to a broad range of behaviours: verbal abuse, telling tales, saying harmful things, spreading rumours, being a busybody and (just in case you thought you were off the hook) even complaining. It is a very broad list.

At its core, gossip is passing on information that we have no business, reason or right to be passing on.

Why we gossip

1 Female friendships

Generally speaking, the way women make friends is completely opposite to the way men do. Men develop friendships by doing things together, creating group memories around tasks. Guys form friendships based on shared experience.

In contrast, the currency of women's friendships is information exchange. The depth of female friendships is based on the volume and nature of the information they have shared. So the greater the volume of information exchanged and the more personal it is, the deeper the friendship.

So given the way women's friendships generally work - in that we exchange a large amount of information - it's not hard to figure out why women are at greater risk of gossiping.
Of course this is a generalisation. Some men also relate this way. And some women don't.

2 Debriefing

Sometimes gossip just spills out, unintentionally, as part of debriefing from a difficult situation. If something awful happens to us, the way we process what happened is by talking through the situation. So gossip is not always malicious.

3 Building an alliance

Often gossip is the tool we use to build alliances with each other. It feeds our tribe mentality. I tell Sue something about Kate, which draws Sue and I nearer to each other. We develop an exclusive bond. And now Kate is on the outer.

Alliance building uses the power of information to harm. It is unkind, it is exclusive and it is selfish. It is sinful. It seeks to promote my interests at the expense of someone else.

4 To protect ourselves

Sharing information about ourselves leaves us exposed. People may not like us if they know what we're really like.So an easy way to protect ourselves, but still develop the friendship, is to tell other people's secrets instead of our own. By doing this we can avoid anyone really getting to know us.

Using gossip in this way is a form of avoidance. And it results in fake relationships. These friendships are artificial because we have given nothing of ourselves at all.

5 Unforgiving heart

Unfortunately some of us use gossip as an outlet for our bitterness. We seek to destroy those people who have hurt us. This is revenge and is sin in its blackest form. This form of gossip doesn't only rise from big hurts. What happens when we are unhappy with the new minister? Perhaps his sermons are too dry, or he tells too many jokes. "He is not like the old one." So we go about subtly undermining him through malicious talk, muttering and complaining. This is gossip.

What happens when we fail?

Ultimately, gossip will always come back to bite us. More often than not, the person we have gossiped about will hear exactly what we have said and we end up with a relationship mess. Although we use gossip to build alliances and friendships, in the end it does the opposite, as people realise that we can't be trusted.

If you have read any secular books on gossip, then you know this pragmatic reason is where their rationale for breaking free of gossip begins and ends.

If we're not in relationship with God, the only protection we have is that life works better when we don't gossip.

But what happens when we face everyday pressures? Ultimately, this information isn't enough to produce change in our lives. This is why secular ethics fall short " we have no capacity to apply our good intentions.

How to break free

Overcoming gossip involves action from several parties " the gossiper, the victim (or gossipee), the community we find ourselves in and most importantly - God.

1 God

The good news is that God never gives a command without enabling us to fulfil it. He not only tells us to speak the truth in love, but in sending his Son and giving us the Holy Spirit, he enables us to do what he commands. Paul assures God's people in Philippians that they're a work in progress.

So don't lose heart. Be assured that God is changing us to be more like him.

I'm always relieved that it's God who is my interior decorator. He's not like those people on Renovation Rescue who start out all enthusiastic and then run out of steam. God won't give up on us and he doesn't run out of energy. In spite of the enormity of the job, the mess and bad décor, God just keeps chipping away.

So don't be discouraged.

2 The Gossiper

If we overstep the mark, we need to fess up. Phone up the person affected and tell them. The experience will be so excruciating, we won't gossip again quickly. But what if the information is harmless? She's just told me she's engaged or has a new job?

We often make the decision to pass on news because we think no harm can be done. This is called consequential ethics " the idea that we can make decisions based on the outcome. The problem is, this kind of thinking is not endorsed by the Bible, which understands the limits of human wisdom.

We can't possibly know the result of passing on information without permission. So always double-check with the person concerned no matter how benign the information seems.

3 The Gossipee (or Victim)

Sometimes we can encourage gossip because we react badly when people try to resolve a problem with us. If I react badly every time someone talks to me about a grievance, it will only take a couple of bad experiences for them not to come any more " people are not masochists.
And instead of telling me, so I can try to resolve the problem, they will tell someone else.

This is one of the ways that gossiping communities start " and continue to be fed. We need to make sure we always respond to feedback with grace and humility, even if the feedback is unfair or just downright wrong. Our response will dictate how people will relate to us in the future.

4 The Community/Church

There are a few things we can all do to stop a culture of gossip.

A. Call each other to account: If someone starts to tell us a problem they have with someone else " ask if they've talked to them yet. If they haven't, urge them to do so. This should become our habit. It is a way of helping each other.

B. Go to the horse's mouth. How rarely do we do this? How easy it is to spread rumour or form firm opinions based on what people have allegedly said.

C. Gossip-free prayer: Prayer is the most important thing we can do for each other. Yet public prayer can be the single most damaging thing we can do! Make sure that when we pray in church or Bible study, we know from the people concerned exactly what can be said.
If we've been gossiped about, we need to pray privately, not ask our friends to pray about the situation. Trust God that he will work in the other person's life.

This is an edited extract of the talk Ainsley Poulos gave at the Equip women's conference last month. For a DVD or CD of the conference, contact Matthias Media.