Constant leaving is a modern phenomenon. I have been researching my family history for a number of years and have been amazed by the constancy of the lives of my family back in the 1850s - generations of the same family living the same village and carrying out the same occupations for nearly a century, as recorded in the census returns.
This is not the same today - we seem to be in constant motion, moving on from jobs, houses, cities and churches with frequent regularity. I don't want to focus today on what is driving that movement, but accept it as a given, and think about how we can do that well, especially in our churches.
We left our church of 10 years standing some years ago, not driven by a geographical move, but for a variety of other reasons. And, with hindsight, it was not a great "leaving". Though we spent some time talking with our minister about our reasons for choosing to attend another church, we neither asked for, nor were we offered, the opportunity to say "goodbye" to our church family. We simply stopped attending. Our new church provided well for us on many levels, so there was joy in that, but there was sorrow in leaving a group of people, with whom we had been in close and committed fellowship for some years, without having taken part in a farewell process.
Often the person doing the leaving is moving on for good reasons, even if it is to end some unhappiness where they currently find themselves; leaving gives them the opportunity to end that difficulty and develop themselves in a fresh environment. But leaving is rarely simple and straightforward, so even where there are compelling reasons behind the exit, there are often mixed feelings held by the "leaver" - including both joy and sorrow.
Additionally, those "left behind" can have another complex situation to deal with. For church congregations, a family choosing to join a different church fellowship can feel like a rejection of the old church family. Even if this rejection is not experienced, the mere loss of relationship experienced can have a significant sense of loss. Others are left holding confidential information about the reasons for someone's exit, and then experience a sense of being fake with those around them as the "leaving" is discussed and they are unable to share what they know.
Worden, an experienced grief therapist, describes the four tasks of grieving after losing someone important from our lives. Considering how we can facilitate this process when staff and congregation members leave our churches can be instructive.
Task 1: To accept the reality of the loss. This can be facilitated by making space to acknowledge the reality of a person or persons leaving through such acts as having a farewell lunch/morning tea etc. Encouraging signing a farewell card, or as I have seen done, collecting letters and messages of farewell to a much loved staff member, also assists people in facing the reality of this person's leaving.
Task 2: To experience the pain of grief. A time of mourning when intense feelings of sadness, fear and sometimes even anger are allowed to arise and be acknowledged assists in getting over the loss. This is why interregnums, especially when a minister has been in a parish for many years or leaves in a devastating way, can be so helpful when well managed. The congregation can go through all this intensity before the new minister arrives!
Task 3: To adjust to the new environment where the person is missing. This occurs as people get used to the person simply not being there and providing what they have always provided, be that inspiring preaching, nurturing pastoral care, or just a close and loving fellowship. Sometimes this can even be related to simple practical matters, like who is going to run the morning tea roster now, if the person who has left has been faithfully holding that role for some time.
Task 4: To reinvest energy in life, loosen ties to the person lost and forge a new type of relationship with them based on memory, spirit and love. Recent grief theorists encourage the idea that after the loss of a significant person in our lives, part of the process of mourning is to loosen the actual physical ties, which could mean phone calls, texts and emails, and develop an internalised image of that person which will continue to influence us long after we have lost contact with them. I sometimes wonder how this relates to Jesus' words to the disciples about his leaving and leaving them with "another helper. who will be with them forever" in John 14?
When someone leaves a church family, both leaver and those left behind need to go through these tasks of mourning. Have you had any innovative ideas that have helped with this in your church or workplace?
