In this extract from their new book, Let’s Talk About Parenting, TONY and JUDY WILLIS argue that physical punishment should play a much smaller part in the discipline of our children.

 

When one of our girls was three we found that, as young parents, we had a real problem with discipline and did not have a clue what to do about it.

 

Our daughter was blatantly defiant. It didn’t seem to matter what happened — her way was the only way. Nothing seemed to work. The tantrums were regular, she never gave in and we were exhausted. We smacked her hand, we smacked her bottom — more defiance. After some time Tony found himself ‘smacking’ the soft base of the foot as this seemed the only place that hurt enough for her to take some notice. But what was going on here? Disciplining with the purpose to hurt? Abuse?

 

In the Bible we read: And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”… No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:5–6, 11)

 

The discipline words that we read here are: encouragement, rebuke, love, acceptance, not pleasant, painful, training and resulting in righteousness and peace. There is a reality here: discipline is not pleasant but painful. And true discipline is in the context of strong relationships, of encouragement, of love and acceptance. In this model of God’s discipline, discipline means raising a child, teaching, instructing, correcting —major component; punishment means physical punishment — minor component. Thankfully Tony realised that in aiming to hurt he had lost sight of the purpose of discpline. Punishment was the focus, rather than disciplining to encourage, love and accept. From then on, smacking became a rare event as it was evident how easy it was to use it wrongly.

 

There were times when it was still used in correcting, but infrequently and usually with more thought. There were times, however, when it was still used wrongly and in the heat of the moment. From our mistakes, we would strongly recommend you make a conscious decision that smacking not be an option in the discipline of your children. When we have had opportunities to talk with parents about their children and their relationship, we get fairly quickly on to discpline.

 

The major problem we encounter is that many parents have too narrow a view of discpline. To us, discipline is discipling. It will be broader than punishment and will include the wider issues involved in raising a child. What then are some of the punishment options? Our more defiant daughter remained defiant in various situations. Often a stern verbal rebuke was sufficient to correct an action but at other times, different methods and punishments were needed. As you think through the options, remember three things: children are different — what works for one won’t necessarily be best for another; ensure that the punishment is realistic — that it ‘fits the crime;’ think about what you are going to do before doing it.

 

Restraint

 

One method we used to replace smacking when our children were young was restraint. If our defiant child was intent on destroying a game being played by another child, or determined to take a toy or object another child was playing with, we physically removed her. As she determined to return to the destruction/‘theft’, one parent would hold her to prevent her. She fought to break free but would be held tightly until she gave in. She was still being held but this became a cuddle as we then talked about how silly and selfish it was to want to destroy someone else’s game.

 

This method generally ended with a good outcome but could take up to an hour to resolve. One couple we know tried this method with their daughter but she got so worked up it was almost impossible to calm her down. Each child is different and will respond in their own way — try several things and find what works in your family situation. The principle is to think through disciplinary methods that can be put into practice rather than responding in frustration or anger without any real purpose. Isolation Alternatively, we removed a defiant child to an isolated part of the house until they agreed to behave properly and be a member of the family who cared for others. This time-out location was generally the laundry (ensure it is a safe area) or a corner of a room, as we wanted a neutral area with little attraction.

 

We tried to avoid sending our children to their room as punishment, as we wanted their room to be an enjoyable place. Also, some children’s rooms are a play centre and not a punishment to be in at all. Many teenagers we know have bedrooms that would compete with the local games arcade! Again, as with many punishments, there are dangers.

 

Time out should be relatively short and not over-used. Also, as with all punishments, it is to be used in conjunction with talking through the issues and resolving the problems. It removes a child (briefly) from relationship and the community of family but if your child is prone to withdrawing from social contact we would not recommend isolation as a punishment method.

 

Withdrawing privileges

 

A common punishment method that works for many people is the withdrawal of a privilege. This may involve removing the ‘toy’ (including computers/mobile phones/car keys etc), asking them to leave the game, taking away special responsibility/tasks, not allowing them to go to the party or special event or declaring, ‘You’re grounded!’.

 

There are three key things to keep in mind as you use this punishment option:

 

Time frame: Your son has been involved in a fight at school. You decide that he cannot go on the camping holiday with his friends four months from now. If this holiday is the big event of the year then your son might as well do what he likes for the next four months as there are no greater punishments left. Make correction and punishment as close to the time of the event as possible.

 

Relevance: Where possible, choose a punishment that teaches a lesson. If your daughter repeatedly rides her skateboard on the footpath, terrorising the neighbours, confiscate the skateboard for a time. If your son is surfing the net for pornography, talk it through but ban the internet for a few weeks. If your daughter is smoking against your wishes, cut back the pocket money for a while. Relevance is not always obvious but where it is, a stronger lesson is learned.

 

Frequency: If you are continually withdrawing privileges, your child has little left to live for and will give up. Take care to use such punishments as infrequently as possible.

 

Smacking

 

If you decide to smack your child, you will need parameters. How will it be administered? At what age should children be smacked? What will be the follow-up or other discipling measures? There may be some children whom you would never smack. But if it is to take place, be controlled — wait until you are calm. If you use your hand to smack, children will often react by hitting back. We used to feel it was better to use an impersonal instrument such as the ‘traditional’ wooden spoon. It was even better to have a softer implement used only for the purpose of smacking.

 

However, when Judy spoke with a doctor on this issue, the doctor said smacking your child on their hand, using only your hand, is a safer way to avoid physical abuse as you also ‘feel the pain’. There is clearly great merit in this. Physical punishment can be (and is) easily abused. The aim should never be to hurt but to show the child they have done wrong — that relationship has been broken. Smacking should only be a disciplinary measure, not one of abuse.

 

Our encouragement is to develop other means of punishing, avoiding smacking and other similar physical methods. We are role models to our children. They learn from our treatment of them and their siblings. As you deal with one child, the others watch with close attention. They will be sensitive to harsh treatment just as they will be sensitive to a brother/sister doing wrong. the big picture Remember punishment is just one part of the discipline process and should be combined with talking through issues with a view to resolving them. Ensure your child understands what has gone wrong, why it is wrong and what needs to be done to repair relationships and any damage caused.

 

Bringing up our children to understand accountability and be responsible will be time-consuming. If one or both parents are never at home or do not take this responsibility seriously, it is even more difficult. Resolving the problem may involve repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation. We need to take care not to be moralistic or legalistic and must seek a heart response, not simply having the child say or do ‘the right thing’. If a child continues to act in the wrong way it would be clear earlier apologies did not mean much. It is still important for children to say sorry — this is part of the learning process. However, it is also important for them to realise “Sorry” must have meaning.

 

The old ‘kiss-and-make-up’ idea has merit (although we may need options other than kissing). It shows relationship has been restored through physical contact — a cuddle, handshake or ‘high five’, an arm around the shoulder. Children will avoid such contact if they are not willing to re-enter relationship or are angry with the person. Often an invitation to such physical contact will break the barrier preventing the child from seeking forgiveness, as the invitation shows forgiveness is readily available — something the child may have been unsure about. Parents need to lead the way in saying ‘sorry’ when they need to and accepting apologies from their children.

 

Special times, positive parenting

 

The Bible writer of Ecclesiastes recognised the complexities of time in chapter 3. However, there is a difference between ‘there is a time for everything’ and ‘there is time for everything’! If parenting is about relationships, then we need to face up to the fact that relationships take time. We seem to live in a time-poor society and have to be more proactive about how we use our time if we are going to build relationship with our kids and with our partner. We need to make time to spend a time with our kids. Special times are for doing special things with our kids.

 

Family times: These might include a special afternoon tea as kids arrive home from school, a special evening meal, a time after the meal where something is done together — a family movie outing, a board game, backyard cricket, a bike ride. We tried all sorts of things. Some worked and some didn’t. One important aspect of family times was reading together — reading all sorts of books, as well as the Bible. This takes some self-discipline, but is well worth it.

 

Holidays: Holidays are great because they give us more time to relax and get away together. Not all holidays have to be at great expense and they do give the opportunity for doing things we don’t normally do. Don’t neglect to take the holidays that are due to you each year. ‘Rest’ as a family is an important part of holding relationships together in the long term.

 

Birthdays: One of the great things about birthdays is that everyone has them. Celebrate your kids’ birthdays. It is a great time to focus on that special person by creating a special day. Take care not to overdo it. Look for a balance that enables your child to know they are special to you — but not indulged by you. Still now with grandchildren, we get together as a family to celebrate each person’s birthday.

 

Traditions: Some special times may end up as a family ‘tradition’. Our kids really loved our annual Easter egg hunt. It is now a tradition that continues with our sons-in-law and grandchildren. It really is just an excuse to eat chocolate but the fun of hiding and finding eggs has been going on now for more than 30 years (the ants also love the eggs that no-one finds).

 

Let’s Talk About Parenting – everyday advice for raising kids by Tony and Judy Willis is available from www.cep.youthworks.net