Have you ever thought what it must be like to be the child of a parish minister – to always be in the public eye, to regularly feature in sermons, and to always be “known” as part of a ministry family?
Clinical psychologist Valerie Ling, who leads the Centre for Effective Serving, was prompted to think about this further after undertaking an Australian clergy wellbeing survey last year. These results showed that, among other things, a little over a third of clergy had seriously considered quitting in the previous year, with the top three reasons being stress, loneliness and the impact the job was having on their family.
Mrs Ling also read The Pastor’s Kid: What it’s Like and How to Help by Barnabas Piper – son of famous pastor John Piper – and noted that “he was talking about a lot of the things that we see in the [psychology] practice, and I thought, ‘I wonder if there are some universal things that ministry kids experience?’” she says.
“So, in the interest of supporting ministry families – and from what we knew of what was happening with clergy – we thought, ‘Let’s see how kids are doing and make sure we can get in early’.”
This led to the Australian Ministry Kids’ Wellbeing Survey, which was open to ministry kids from Year 3 to Year 12. Most participants were aged 10 to 14, and their three main denominations were Anglican (40 per cent), Presbyterian (23 per cent) and Baptist (9 per cent).
In many ways, the children’s results mirrored those of the clergy. Two-thirds of them regarded being a ministry kid as a positive and had plenty of good things to say about it – from the community they had at church, to cultural exposure and a positive impact on their own faith.
Almost two-thirds felt their parents understood them well; these children also felt less concern about being different to their peers, and more connected to the ministry community.
Life in the fishbowl
However, just like their clergy parent/s, about one-third of ministry children reported a much more negative experience.
Forty-four per cent of respondents felt some level of loneliness, particularly younger children. Loneliness was also linked to lower mental health, although thankfully only 15 per cent were outside the normal range for symptoms of depression, anxiety and stress.
Close to 40 per cent felt they didn’t have enough time with one or both of their parents. The effect of moving more often also weighed heavily on them, and the loss of friendships as a result – particularly those whose families were in cross-cultural ministry.
The social impact of being “on” all the time as ministry kids was a major issue, whether in terms of being “mini workers” or just being visible – and potentially judged if they didn’t act a certain way.
Mrs Ling says The Pastor’s Kid talks about how ministry children can have higher expectations placed on them than others, “and it doesn’t matter where you are – you could be at the supermarket, the school, the car park – it doesn’t leave you. The challenges of growing up in a fishbowl.
“Some of the comments from the kids [in the survey] – they were so angry... they just want to be treated as normal kids, and they can have mixed responses at times to being in ministry.”
One of the children described their experience on the issue this way: “The expectation of my church family on me to be perfect”.
Mrs Ling observes that a good deal of thought goes into the needs of ministry workers, and sometimes their spouses, “but there’s nothing about the kids... The sort of adverse experience you have in childhood can actually have a lasting impact. We do have a responsibility when we hire and take on ministry families that we are taking care of everybody”.
Her message to church members is to think carefully about how they relate to an entire ministry family.
“Don’t forget that the way you treat ministry workers has a direct impact on the kids!” she says. “The legacy of your care is not just for the parents – it goes straight through to the kids, their thoughts and feelings about Jesus, and thoughts about ministry and serving him in the future.”
Valerie Ling hosts the Clergy Wellbeing Down Under Podcast. This season focuses on the ministry kids’ wellbeing survey.
What is great or not so good about being a ministry kid?
- 30 = access to community
- 25 = frequent moves
- 20 = unique opportunities
- 17 = positive impact on faith
- 15 = I don’t know/no answer
- 14 = negative impact on emotions
- 13 = involuntary involvement in ministry
- 13 = parenting irregular hours
Source: Australian Ministry Kids Wellbeing Survey, 2024
