It was many years ago, and I was at a small church with nice people, a nice pastor, and solid (if unspectacular) teaching. It is difficult now to understand how things went so wrong.

We like to imagine we can judge a church solely by its preaching, but there are many other factors that create the unique culture of each church. Sometimes these factors can be harmful, even if the preaching can’t be faulted. It’s naive to think otherwise.

For reasons I still don’t fully understand, church became a depressing and deadening experience for me. I tried to explain my feelings to the leadership, but my message was not well received - and probably not well delivered either. Things rapidly spiraled down. My low level of enthusiasm for the church and its vision saw me lose my “insider” status, and I was criticised as hard-hearted and lacking kingdom focus. I was already serving in several ministries, but I was told the solution to “my problem” was to serve even more. Spiritual vitality drained away, and church became hateful to me.

I slipped into a depression. When I told one leader that I was getting no spiritual benefit from church, he replied, “That’s terrible!” But I was mistaken to think he was sympathetic. He continued, “You are being so selfish. You go to church to serve others, not to get anything out of it for yourself.”

Everyone dug their heels in, and I left that church soon afterwards. I’ve since made peace with the parties involved, but it was all pretty distressing at the time.

How did things get so bad? I think there are a few reasons -

1. We were all pretty young and inexperienced. Young people do and say appalling things.

2. There was a fair bit of pressure on the church to achieve “results”. In such a situation, leadership can be tempted to ride roughshod over the congregation in order to reach their goals.

3. There was a view, still very common today, that church was essentially a series of ministry programs, and the main role of the congregation was to resource these ministries. In such an environment, the program can become more important than the person.

4. Fifteen years ago, there was much, much less understanding of depression and related mental health issues. People didn’t recognise it, and they didn’t know how to respond to it. I’m sure that played a role.

Some people will question the value of an article like this, especially on a site read by so many outsiders. But I think we need to own the bad with the good. I left that church feeling very wounded, but I learnt plenty from this difficult experience. Perhaps others will too.