Imagine if becoming a parent was like going to a fruit shop. We want to choose the best-looking fruit – shiny, no blemishes, no bruises. The perfect child, who loves school, is compliant, polite and friendly, and that everyone likes. 

But the truth is not quite like that.

Becoming a parent to a neurodiverse kid is more akin to getting something from the “odd bunch”. Have you seen that fruit and veg at Woolworths? It’s what the big supermarkets usually reject: the wrong size, shape or colour, compared to what is “normal”.

But our odd bunch fruit is still perfectly fine. It just doesn’t fit the mould of what the supermarket, or the world, wants. It has no less value. It comes with amazing quirks.

When you get a child with a disability of some kind – whether that’s intellectual, physical or neurodiverse (and sometimes all the above) – there is so much grief that goes along with it. There is blame, unanswered questions, broken dreams. This is not what you signed up for. You wanted the shiny apple. Early in our journey I would often say, “Surely there is someone else who could do this better than me?”

Most people wouldn’t choose the challenging child. It’s not the life they see for themselves. But there are some amazing people out there who do choose that life. We have some self-giving and loving foster parents who are making our world better. If that is you, thank you.

Markus is our third child and first son. He was born in the highlands of Scotland. He was very much a prayed for and wanted child. I’d previously had secondary infertility.
Parenting Markus has been one of the hardest and most rewarding things I have done in my life. He has challenged me, brought me to tears and pushed my boundaries but also brought me so much joy. He pushes me out of my comfort zone to see the world from his perspective, which I am really beginning to love.

I have learnt to sometimes let Markus lead, and I end up seeing and experiencing things I wouldn’t normally do. Without him, my life would be dull. Less anxiety-filled sometimes, but dull.

He makes me laugh and I now know so much about animals and Australian native plants and food. His latest interest is wild orchids. As much as being his Mum has been challenging, I believe I wouldn’t be the person I am without him. I just wish our world would see the value in these amazing kids and adults.
Sadly, being the parent of a neurodiverse child has been an incredibly lonely journey at times. 

When Markus was first diagnosed, almost 10 years ago, there was only one other person I knew locally who had a child with autism. I constantly felt judged for a child who didn’t fit the mould at church, who’d race around and not follow directions. I still hear stories about those who taught him at Sunday school. 

I think if Markus had been our first child it would’ve been harder. I would have taken it more personally. The more kids you have the more you realise it’s less about parenting and more about genetics. Each child is parented differently.
In the early years before his diagnosis, church was one of the hardest places for me to be. Sadly, this is the story I hear from many carers, including NDIS co-ordinators who deal on a daily basis with families where there are disabilities. Church is a hard place for neurodiverse families. 

It would’ve been so easy not to go to church and not be part of a community that, at times, made me feel like I wasn’t a good parent – even unintentionally. I’m thankful that I’ve persevered; that I’ve continued to take Markus to church and have him connected.
Because of how lonely I felt when Markus was first diagnosed, I really didn’t want others to experience this. I set out to share my story with other Christian mums in preschooler and church groups. I shared about his diagnosis and the griefs and challenges of parenting. Out of this I’ve walked with many families as their child has received a diagnosis. I’ve prayed and cried with parents, and just sat with them in the grief of that. It has been a privilege. 

My goal has been not to let other families feel so isolated and disconnected from their church community – which hasn’t always been easy.

The grief you feel as a parent/carer never really goes away. Ten years later, I don’t grieve who my son is, but that the world is not made for him. But it is getting better, and we are getting better.

Here are some practical ways that you can walk alongside caregivers in your church:

•  First, for those with a Jesus Club in their parish, continue doing what you are doing. There are not many churches that are reaching out to young adults and adults with disabilities. I recently heard that disabled adults in the US are one of the largest unreached people groups. By caring for and giving a space for these amazing humans, you are caring for the carers. Showing them that they are valued and have something to offer our world.
• When you’re offering help, be specific. Offer to mow the lawn, offer to pick up groceries, offer to do the ironing. When a carer/parent is struggling with the challenges of daily life we are unable to articulate what you can do to help. So, going with ideas on what you’re prepared to do is really helpful.
• Sit with people in the mess and grief. Don’t try to fix it. Just be with them, pray with them and give them a safe space. Be the safe space. It helps to reach out. We don’t always have the capacity to ask for help. You may not see them at church, and they’ll probably be less active on social media.
• Get alongside the rest of the family. The siblings often need to fit in around their brother or sister. Going to a show may be too much for a neurodiverse person and would set them up to fail. But this can mean that their brothers or sisters may not get to go either. Include them in day trips and events. Offer to drop the sibling home after the church bush dance to enable Mum and Dad to leave early.

In an article on the Joni and Friends website, Ryan Faulk writes:

For every person with a disability who is unable to attend church, there are parents, siblings and spouses who suddenly find themselves unable to attend, as well. If you want to multiply your evangelistic impact, reach out to these families who have often faced rejection.

• Pray with us and for us. Connect with the child or the young person. One of the biggest blessings we have had is an elderly gentleman in our church, who has an interest in birds like Markus. From when Markus was about eight, he would sit near us and chat to Markus about those interests, but what has come out of this is that Ken has been praying for Markus, and for his life, and for him to discover who Jesus is. To know I have people out there other than my family investing in prayer for my son is amazing.
• Be prepared to be uncomfortable. It’s hard. If you don’t understand something, ask. We are usually very willing to educate someone and help them understand.

We know it’s complicated – believe me, we know! But the care, understanding and friendships that can grow through churches and individuals offering a welcome to “odd bunch” fruit and their families can be life changing.

Naomi Bird is a former children’s minister who works for the Church Missionary Society. This is an edited version of a talk she gave late last year at the Jesus Club conference. Jesus Club is a church-based program for adults with intellectual disabilities – see more here.