There was a comment on my blog on counselling last time about the difficulties for congregations in enfolding and caring for those who take a lot of energy. The minister concerned talked of his congregation becoming overwhelmed by the task, yet being aware that churches should be places where people with difficulties can be supported and cared for.
This minister's dilemma highlights the matter of setting appropriate boundaries in personal and community relationships, and invites us to consider if sometimes we can care too much. We are challenged to evaluate how we care for all in the congregation: how do we balance the needs of one person over the well-being of the rest of the church.
An obvious answer is to go straight to the parable of the good shepherd in Matthew 18 where the shepherd abandons the ninety-nine on the hillside for the sake of finding the one lost sheep. This would seem to direct us to not worry about the rest for the sake of the lost one. Yet we need to balance this with the implications of Galatians 6 where we are exhorted to both "carry each others burdens" (v 2) and also "each one should carry his own load" (v 5). How are we to make sense of these apparently conflicting pieces of advice?
Perhaps the concept of "Boundaries" that Cloud and Townsend write about extensively in their series of books can help us to tease out the correct response - when to help and when to hold back, when to give and when to withhold.
From the Galatians passage, Cloud and Townsend examine the two different Greek words for "burden" and "load" and conclude that verse 2 refers to something that is not manageable alone, something that needs companionship for it to be dealt with. Conversely, "load" in v.5 refers to what are daily, personal responsibilities we should be carrying ourselves.
Translating this into the congregational context, this means we don't have to rush to help people with everything. Even if someone appears to be having difficulty managing, we need to be wise about offering assistance without some forethought.
I remember caring for my friend's children some years ago. They were the same age as my children, and when it came time to go out, I reminded them all that they needed to get their shoes on before we left. My three went and got their shoes, sat on the floor, doing their best age-related attempts at getting them fastened. The youngest I assisted with the final part of the fastening. My friend's children sat on the couch, shoes in hand, with their feet stuck out waiting for me to do the whole task! Mildly amused, I put on their shoes, and had a chat with my friend later. She and I agreed that she had been doing for them what they could really be doing for themselves, and that by not making them put on their own shoes, was not helping them to grow and develop mastery of that skill.
Karpman (1968) described the "drama triangle" where persons can adopt the position of victim, persecutor or rescuer. Too often in churches we see people taking on the role of victim, and some kind person will "rescue" them from their distress or "persecutor". As in the story above about my babysitting situation, this is not to say we should never help people or be kind, but we shouldn't be doing for people what they can do for themselves.
Think of some of the people in your congregations who seem to take up a disproportionate amount of ministry energy. Some may genuinely be in distressing situations where this level of care and support is absolutely appropriate, but others..?
By rescuing people when they don't really need it, we are wearing ourselves out, and are not allowing them to "carry their own loads"; we are not assisting them in growing themselves.
So a boundary needs to set.
Will it be easy? No!
My friend's children were incensed for a week or so when Mum insisted they learn to put on their own shoes. However, in setting the boundary, they mastered an important skill for their maturity.
Try being brave with those taking the victim position that you know - maybe one day they will thank you for it!
